All Hail the Patriarchy!

Charlie don't surf and Ron Swanson don't cupcake
July 8, 2014

Before I start, I want to lay out a couple of facts so you know where I'm coming from.

Fact: Homemade cupcakes are delicious.

Further Fact: Cupcake stores, featuring overpriced monstrosities with inches of frosting on top, are stupid and the cupcake store trend is stupid.

Further Further Fact: All good people celebrate the decline of the cupcake store trend.

Final Fact: Bacon and bourbon and beer are the greatest foodstuffs on planet Earth.

According to Slate, my belief in the Facts—and they are capital-F Facts, not opinions—stated above signify that I'm part of the problem. THE SEXIST PROBLEM. Writes Jessica Grose:

The cupcake backlash has been going on for years. In 2013, the The Wire called cupcakes "prissy" and a "widely, vocally despised food." Going further, a psychotherapist told the Washington Post in 2012 that cupcake lovers are narcissistic. "The popularity of cupcakes directly tracks the rise in cultural narcissism that has resulted from the Internet’s impact on our individual and cultural psyche," Dr. Paul Hokemeyer said. A Jezebel writer simply wrote: "fuck cupcakes."

That’s an extraordinary amount of vitriol for a pile of flour and sugar! What’s going on seems to be about more than just the confection, which, like any other, some people enjoy eating and others do not. My theory: It’s about a dismissal and dislike of a certain kind of woman. (Hooooooold on, hear me out.) ... Prissy, narcissistic. These are words that are frequently used to belittle women and the things they enjoy. Foods that are considered masculine—bourbon, bacon, beer—are also considered cool, as are women who like them. But a delicious pink cocktail?Too girly! And, as we know from our fear of little girls loving princess stuff, "girly" is not good. [Emphasis mine in order to demonstrate agreement.]

So, to recap, the rejection of a trend that involved spending multiple dollars on a single cupcake and standing in line for hours at the most popular of the cupcake hotspots is predicated on sexism.

For serious.

But! Let's posit, for a moment, that Grose is correct. Isn't this actually a ringing endorsement of the patriarchy? We celebrate delicious bacon and inebriating bourbon and creatively crafted beers and reject the disgusting nonsense that is the "gourmet" cupcake trend?

American Men: Getting things right (eventually) since 1776!

So anyway: I'm glad the cupcake trend has met its demise. It's just one more data point proving that patriarchy is good for everyone.

Obligatory Ron Swanson Gif: