President Joe Biden on Sunday issued a sweeping pardon to his 54-year-old son Hunter Biden, the former crackhead and Ukrainian oil executive, which applies to all federal crimes he may have committed over the past decade. Reports indicate Biden and his aides discussed the possibility of a pardon in June but decided to lie to the American people and insist he would never pardon Hunter out of a steadfast commitment to the rule of law.
As many of Biden's defenders have already pointed out, the president made these questionable choices, which will further erode the public's faith in the American justice system, because he is a devoted father and family man who is only guilty of loving his son too much. Some historians have argued Joe Biden is one of the best fathers of all time, which is why we've compiled the following list of parenting tips to help you, our humble readers, who will never measure up to Sleepy Joe, love your own son like a Biden.
1) Let him make mistakes
Don't coddle your son. He needs to learn to make mistakes and fix his own problems. For example, when Hunter impregnated one of his many girlfriends several years ago and lied about it, a more overbearing father than Joe Biden might have used his considerable powers to "make the problem go away forever." But he didn't. Biden took the high road by letting Hunter publicly denounce the child's mother and take her to court and then refusing to acknowledge his (confirmed-by-DNA) granddaughter's existence for years until it became politically inconvenient to continue the charade. Sooner or later, your son needs to learn Daddy can't fix everything. That said ...
2) Consequences are for other people's kids
If you're an important person with lots of money, why should your felon son be treated like some common ne'er-do-well? Because of norms? That's ridiculous. You don't have to make all his mistresses "disappear" to teach him an important lesson about consequences, legal or otherwise: They simply don't apply to the children of rich and powerful dads. If you ever get the opportunity to destroy what's left of your reputation by making your son's legal problems go away with the stroke of a pen, you should take it. He will appreciate your selflessness, especially if you help him get another cushy gig on a corporate board after leaving office.
3) Always put your own ambitions first
If your son is struggling with addiction, cavorting with prostitutes, and making "business deals" with shady individuals tied to authoritarian regimes, some might argue that running for president at age 76 is a bad idea. These people are idiots who don't know anything about being a good father. You should never, under any circumstances, let your son's personal issues get in the way of your decades-long quest for power. You should always prioritize yourself and your career, even at the expense of your family. This is especially true if you are pursuing a new job that lets you pardon anyone, including your own son, for any reason. Sometimes Daddy can fix everything.
4) Support his career decisions, but always get a cut
Let your son follow his dreams and do your best to help him succeed. Just make sure he never forgets to show some gratitude to the "Big Guy" who made it happen. Maybe he wants to be a professional athlete, or maybe he has always coveted a no-show job at a Ukrainian oil firm. Maybe he wants to fence precious gemstones for Chinese sex traffickers or make a name for himself as an amateur porn star who specializes in the "lonely widow" genre. Make sure he understands that no dream is too big, but don't ever let him feel like you're trampling on his independence. Rather than setting up a bunch of difficult-to-trace shell corporations on his behalf, for example, you could teach him how to do it himself. Make a few introductions here and there, but don't force it. Just take your cut of the profits and congratulate him on a job well done.
5) Be nice to his foreign associates
Larger profits mean a larger cut for Daddy, which is why it's so important to always be nice to your son's business associates, no matter how sketchy they seem. Go the extra mile. Pull some strings. Take that phone call from the Chinese industrial magnate. A caring father won't hesitate to make a few promises to foreigners they've never met, even if it's technically "illegal." Write their son a letter of recommendation. Do whatever it takes. Honestly, who cares?
6) Encourage him to experiment with drugs
There's nothing you can do to stop your little boy from doing drugs. They're a lot of fun, and they make you feel great. Same goes for prostitutes. They're also kind of expensive if you want to buy them in large quantities. A good father will support his son's chemical (and sexual) adventures by, for example, becoming a famous politician so your beloved child can use the money he makes by exploiting the family name to fund his habit.
7) Stay out of sibling drama
There will inevitably come a time in every father's life when one of your crackhead sons starts cheating on his wife with his dead brother's widow. Don't get involved. If a bunch of scumbag reporters keep asking for comment, give them a generic statement about how "we're all lucky" the two lovebirds "found each other as they were putting their lives together again after such sadness." Remember, trying to insert yourself in some messy family drama is an unwelcome distraction from your own ambitions, presidential or otherwise.
8) Let him know your door is always open
If your son needs a place to crash, he should always feel welcome at your place of residence. If you happen to live in a heavily fortified location such as the White House, letting your son stay is a great way to help him avoid being served legal documents related to an ongoing paternity suit, for example. Your fatherly hospitality needn't be unconditional, so set some ground rules. "Don't leave drugs in the tourist section" is a good place to start.
9) Encourage him to express his feelings
Boys are often discouraged from showing emotion. A good father will always make his son feel comfortable expressing his feelings. For example, your son might be hesitant to discuss the "body dysmorphia" he suffers due to his "very large penis." You should encourage him to talk about it. There will be times he lashes out at your wife, who may or may not refer to herself as a doctor for some reason, by calling her a "selfish silly entitled c—t" and a "vindictive moron" who "wouldn't survive one class in a[n] ivy graduate program." Let him vent. What are you going to do about it anyway? Punish him? That's not very Biden.
