The 2024 election is over. Donald Trump and the Republicans won a stunning and decisive victory. Kamala Harris and the Democrats suffered a thoroughly deserved defeat. But they weren't the only ones who won or lost this week. Let's take a look at who is riding high in the wake of Trump's historic comeback—and who is wallowing in despair. Enjoy!
Diversity
Trump reversed America's slide toward racial polarization by assembling the most diverse and inclusive Republican electorate since the Civil Rights Act of 1964. He improved his margins compared to 2020 among every measurable demographic, with the exception of seniors and college educated white women. Huzzah!
Hillary Clinton
One of the biggest winners overall, apart from the American people and their children's future. She's no longer the only Democrat who lost to Trump, and at least she won the popular vote—which means nothing, but still. Harris may ultimately surpass Hillary for the title of most incompetent politician in American history. Let her savor this moment.
Mental Health Professionals
They're about to make a fortune treating the emotional breakdowns of college educated white women and deranged liberals and journalists (pardon the redundancy) who base their entire personalities on hating Trump and his supporters. Congrats!
Dean Phillips
He was the only Democrat with the balls to run against Biden in the Democratic primary. He was mocked and ridiculed at the time but has since been vindicated. Biden clearly wasn't fit to serve another four years, and by now most Democrats agree a competitive primary would have given them a stronger candidate to run against Trump. He tried to warn them, but they didn't listen. Is he the frontrunner in 2028?
Josh Shapiro
Harris didn't pick Shapiro, the popular Democratic governor of Pennsylvania, as her running mate. She didn't want Shapiro to outshine her, which he would have. He's a competent politician who does a decent Obama impersonation. Also, his Jewish background might have "alienated" the liberal base. Shapiro looks smart for not taking the job, which he probably didn't want anyway. We've already forgotten the name of the guy she did pick—that guy in the camo hat who pranced around and lied about China.
Jeff Bezos
The Amazon founder and Washington Post owner will get even richer when Trump rescues the economy again. He incited a ridiculous temper tantrum among Post employees after he blocked them from publishing a meaningless Harris endorsement. Some of them quit their jobs in protest. As if rubbing salt in their wounds, Bezos quickly congratulated Trump on his "extraordinary political comeback" and ordered Post employees to return to the office five days a week. Like a boss.
Tony Hinchcliffe / Garbage
Most Americans heard his name for the first time several days ago after the comedian told a joke about Puerto Rico at Trump's rally at Madison Square Garden. Democrats and journalists melted down, insisting this was the thing that would cost Trump the election. He ended up winning 46 percent of the Latino vote, a new record for a GOP candidate, and dominated Puerto Rican strongholds. Hinchcliffe's joke finally landed when Joe Biden called Trump supporters "garbage" on the same day Harris gave a major address about "unity."
Joe Rogan / Elon Musk
Dudes rock. Musk makes liberals so angry they think rockets are lame and don't even like electric cars anymore. They hate Rogan because he's normal and they aren't, and he appeals to men by being normal. Musk and Rogan are denounced as radicals for defending free speech from the sneering dorks who want to dictate which opinions are "acceptable." They're winners who deserve to win, and they did.
Sunny Hostin and the other ladies of The View
She clearly didn't intend to sink Harris's campaign on national television, but sink it she did. During what was supposed to be a fun chat with girls about drinking wine and solving fascism, Hostin asked what should have been an easy question: What would Harris do differently as president compared to Joe Biden? "There is not a thing that comes to mind," Harris said in a breathtaking display of unpreparedness. Is Hostin a lock for journalist of the year?
Women
Trump's victory will usher in a golden era of women's rights. His chief of staff, Susie Wiles, will be the first woman to hold the job. It will soon be safe to play sports again. Women can say "Merry Christmas" and be attractive without getting publicly shamed. They deserve so much better than what Democrats have been able to deliver.
Scott Jennings
A star is born. Throughout the campaign, Jennings was masterful in his role as the token Republican on CNN patiently debating one-on-five against a revolving cast of Democrats and journalists who are also Democrats. He was always insightful and never lost his cool. He's a normal American, which means the highly credentialed freaks and morons he debates are often unable to comprehend his common sense. Apart from Trump, he is the best thing to ever happen to CNN.
McDonald’s
God bless the Golden Arches. Few corporations have done more, however inadvertently, to expose the out-of-touch liberal elite. We still don't know if Kamala Harris worked there, but most Americans aren't convinced she did. The Washington Free Beacon was the only media outlet that bothered to investigate. Most "serious" journalists took the candidate at her word. Then they freaked out when Trump actually did go work at a McDonald's in Pennsylvania. Doing what comes naturally, they assumed the American people were idiots who might think Trump had taken a second job cooking fries. So they frantically fact-checked and denounced the "campaign stunt" like the pompous hacks they are. We're lovin' it!
Mark Halperin
Halperin's independent reporting and sober analysis throughout the campaign was vastly superior and more informative than the mainstream media's hackish hyperventilating. He presciently predicted that Trump would win and that his victory would cause "the greatest mental health crisis in the history of our country." By contrast, Halperin's former journalistic partner, MSNBC analyst John Heilemann, refused to break from Harris—even after the election, when he said Harris "raised an insane amount of money," "crushed [Trump] in the debate," and "closed stronger than he did."
Patrick Ruffini
The Republican pollster anticipated the election results in his 2023 book, Party of the People: Inside the Multiracial Populist Coalition Remaking the GOP. When journalists and Democrats were celebrating the joyful vibes and "2008 energy" surrounding Kamala Harris over the summer, Ruffini politely suggested they calm down and prepare to be disappointed.
Atlas Intel
The most accurate pollster of the 2020 election cycle did it again this year, predicting Trump would win every swing state as well as the popular vote. Naturally, the firm was largely ignored by mainstream media outlets.
Israel
The Jewish state has always been great, but Trump will help make it even greater. Democrats may want to rethink their coddling attitudes toward terrorists and their anti-Semitic sympathizers.
Joe Biden
The experts told us Sleepy Joe would be the most consequential president since FDR. When he dropped out of the race in July, those same experts compared Biden to George Washington, praising his selfless act of political courage. In reality, Biden's decision to run for reelection will be remembered as one of the most reckless acts of political hubris in American history. His selection of Kamala Harris as a running mate in 2020 and his decision to immediately endorse her after dropping out in 2024 will also be regarded as monumental blunders. This is the legacy Biden deserves.
Tim Walz
Who? Oh, right, the camo hat guy who pranced around on stage and lied constantly about China and other weird things. He was supposed to help the Harris campaign appeal to men. Walz pretended to go pheasant hunting, cackled with the ladies of The View, and played video games with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. He said Republicans were "weird." Trump won male voters by 13 points.
The Obamas
Irrelevant losers. Few people are more responsible for Trump's political success than Barack. He inspired Trump to run, then cleared the deck for Hillary in 2016. He tried to stop Biden from running in 2020 because he thought Beto O'Rourke and Pete Buttigieg were great candidates. If he tried to stop Biden from running for reelection in 2024, it wouldn't have worked, because Biden hates him with a passion. Democrats and journalists still love the Obamas, but no one else cares. They gave a few speeches. The media assured us their words were powerful enough to swing the election. (They were not.) Barack tried to stop black men from voting for Trump by scolding "tha brothas" for hating women. Trump won a greater percentage of the black vote than any Republican candidate since 1976.
Horny Dads
Harris's husband, Doug Emhoff, was touted as a "modern-day sex symbol," when in reality he was just another horny liberal dad who slept with his children's nanny. John Edwards roamed the halls at the Democratic convention. Bill Clinton gave a primetime address. Arnold Schwarzenegger endorsed Harris days before the election. So did Hunter Biden. Anthony Weiner has a podcast now. Doug would have given horny dads a voice in Washington, but his wife wasn't good enough to win.
Alex Soros
The boy prince of darkness, son of billionaire George Soros, funneled hundreds of millions of dollars to Democrats in 2024. He was constantly hanging out with them at elite conferences or inviting them to his swanky Manhattan pad. Being a self-obsessed Millennial brat, Soros posted photos of these meetings on his Instagram account. Democrats kept insisting the GOP was the party controlled by sinister billionaires, but Soros seemed intent on personally debunking this claim. He was recently engaged to longtime Clinton servant Huma Abedin, the ex-wife of Anthony Weiner and former "girlfriend" of Hollywood actor Bradley Cooper.
Eugene Daniels
He was supposed to be the "breakout star" of the 2024 election. The self-described "walking Beyoncé encyclopedia" covered the Harris campaign for Politico, where he excelled at laundering Democratic talking points. Known for his flamboyant attire, Daniels became a minor celebrity within the Beltway bubble, which means most normal Americans have never heard of him, and Harris's crushing loss means they likely never will.
The Mainstream Media
Journalists are the worst. They scolded the American people for feeling stressed about the economy and thinking Biden was too old to run for reelection. They still don't understand why no one trusts them or takes them seriously. They tried to put their thumbs on the scale for Harris, but it made no difference due to their rapidly diminishing credibility and relevance. They will learn nothing and carry on into the void.
Ann Selzer
In the final days before the election, Democrats and journalists squealed with glee when the famed pollster found Harris leading Trump by 3 points in Iowa. They eagerly touted Selzer's unimpeachable methodology and argued the result could portend a Harris landslide. Trump won Iowa by 13 points. Selzer has since suggested that her poll and the media's impassioned response likely motivated Trump supporters to turn out and vote. Oops.
The Lincoln Project
Remember these guys? The shameless grifters who make anti-Trump fantasy porn for mentally ill liberals? Their entire pitch is, "Give us money because we are totally committed to stopping Trump." The Lincoln Project goons didn't even get noticed for doing something stupid like paying a bunch of Democratic activists to dress like Nazis. They're even less relevant than the Obamas.
Criminals
Trump will make crime illegal again.
Terrorists / Iran
Not even Ben Rhodes can save you now.
Ben Rhodes
See above.