On Thursday night, Washington Free Beacon reporter Bill McMorris appeared on the Fox News program Red Eye to discuss his participation in a dad bod competition that raised nearly $3,000 for cancer research.
In an earlier piece documenting the event, McMorris explained what a ‘dad-bod’ is:
Dad Bod is a nebulous term that gained steam when Leonardo DiCaprio was photographed looking like a 43-year-old instead of Leonardo DiCaprio. Some in the crowd think obesity is the key, while others see it as the "Before" photo in a Nutrisystem ad: Golic and Marino sticking out their guts while maintaining a hint of tone in their arms and chests. A dad bod occupant is molded from wet clay rather than chiseled from marble. When he flexes, the skin doesn’t angle—it oscillates.
Sadly, McMorris was named fourth runner-up in the contest, despite being the only dad in the competition.
Despite my binges and shapelessness, I am woefully underweight. The four beers, two hot dogs, two bowls of cereal, one plate of pasta, and one bacon burger I ate the day of the competition bring me to 177 pounds, a personal best—but I’m still a middleweight standing in a room full of heavyweights, all but one of whom exceed 210 pounds. Nearly half of them have facial hair expertly groomed to separate their faces from their double chins. None of them are fathers.
The rules of the pageant were as follows.
We’ll be judged on formal, swim, and casual wear on a 1-10 scale. Each round we will be asked one question, our responses ranked on a 1-5 scale. After the swimsuit round, we will descend upon the crowd and humiliate ourselves for dollar bills. Don’t be shy, we’re warned; shyness would reflect our love of blood cancer afflicting thousands of children around the country.
McMorris confessed that he didn't own a swimsuit, but he didn't let that set him back. He enlisted the help of his wife to find a creative solution to the problem.
I trained relentlessly for the competition, adding four pounds of pizza and beer in two weeks, but found myself in the hole. I discovered that I don’t have a bathing suit, so my wife cut my yard-work jeans into Daisy Dukes. Then I asked her where she keeps her butt glue. She still won’t speak to me.
Lack of butt glue and swimwear is a major setback.
Panelist Joanne Nosuchinsky expressed surprise McMorris owned a pair of jeans solely dedicated to yard work.
"I have children," McMorris explained. "That's what happens!"
At the end of his article, Bill recounted the shame of his fourth-place finish.
Jeremy is robbed; the Washington Free Beacon is fourth-runner-up. Investigative instincts kick in and the Washington Free Beacon learns that Gordon is a close friend of the McDonald family. Then it learns that the Washington Free Beacon is pretty much the only person on stage that isn’t friends with the McDonald family. The Washington Free Beacon, still clad in Daisy Dukes, feels pretty stupid.