A jarring new report from the Washington Free Beacon could have Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton in a real pickle.
In response to questions about her health by billionaire strongman Donald Trump, Clinton appeared to demonstrate her stamina this week on Jimmy Kimmel Live when she opened a seemingly sealed jar of pickles. Instead, she may have simply opened a whole series of questions into her physical viability.
The lack of the signature popping sound in the pickle jar's opening led to a special investigation by the Washington Free Beacon that reveals that Clinton's feat of strength was a fraud of weakness.
Dr. Richard Harambe, Professor of Food Sciences at an acceptably left-wing university, revealed a shocking finding: Clinton might have been poisoned if she ate the pickles that were in that unsealed jar.
"These jars are sealed under tremendous amounts of pressure, so the fact that whenever Hillary Clinton opened it on the show, it did not pop, concerns me immensely," Harambe said. "The reason why these jars of pickles are under so much pressure is to prevent food-borne illness, so in the ultimate stroke of irony, if Hillary Clinton actually ate the pickles, the stunt that was meant to show that she was healthy could in fact have signed her death warrant."
Harambe demonstrated the deafening "pop" noise a truly sealed jar would have made. Random persons on the street interviewed by the Washington Free Beacon demonstrated the same.
The Clinton campaign has not offered a comment. With Trump holding commanding deficits in multiple swing states, this latest blow to the Clinton campaign might seal his victory in November.