The Only Thing You Need to Read to Understand Donald Trump

I'd never noticed this before, but Donald Trump's fingers ARE really short and stubby. Wow. Gross. (AP)

I'd never noticed this before, but Donald Trump's fingers ARE really short and stubby. Wow. Gross. (AP)

Matt Labash, national treasure, has compiled a list of amazing, classy—really quite fabulous—stories about Donald Trump. You should read the whole thing. But if you don’t have 20 minutes to read the whole thing—if you’re too busy winning, you know, I win all the time, so I don’t have a great deal of “sitting around to read” time—these are the only paragraphs you ever need to read to understand Trump’s psyche:

In an exhaustive survey of the late Spy‘s archive, Bloomberg’s Andre Tartar found that Spy mentioned Trump an average of 8.7 times per issue in its first 50 issues. What they called him wasn’t pretty: a well-fed condo hustler, an ugly cuff-link buff, a close-friend-free millionaire, a Forbes 400 dropout. The most frequent and hurtful insult of all was “short-fingered vulgarian.”

Trump, for his part, took the bait at least once, declaring to the New York Post‘s Page Six, “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, has been well-documented, are various other parts of my body.” But the sobriquet stung the thin-skinned Trump badly enough that Graydon Carter, Spy‘s cofounder and the current editor of Vanity Fair, writes that to this day, he occasionally receives an envelope from Trump, “generally a tear sheet from a magazine. On all of them, he has circled his hand in gold Sharpie in a valiant effort to highlight the length of his fingers. I almost feel sorry for the poor fellow because, to me, the fingers still look abnormally stubby.” (On Twitter, Trump has called Carter “sloppy,” “a disaster,” and a “major loser — just ask his wife!”) [Emphasis added.]

Imagine being so petty and insecure as to do something like that. Can’t wait to have his disturbingly short, stubby fingers on the button.