Satire

John Kerry Finally Accomplishes Something

Failed politician and Big Ketchup spouse wins sailboat race around Martha's Vineyard

John Kerry, the failed Democratic politician and Big Ketchup spouse who negotiated the Obama administration's Iran reparations package, finally accomplished something. The billionaire (by marriage) captained the Lark, a 45-foot Alden gaff cutter built in 1932, to a first-place finish in the Edgartown Yacht Club’s Round the Island race over the weekend.

Kerry completed the 54.7 nautical-mile race around Martha's Vineyard in 8 hours, 52 minutes, and 7 seconds, more than 6 minutes faster than the second-place finisher. Kerry reported encountering some difficulties near Mutton Shoal off of Wasque, but explained that his crew "caught a little bit of air and played it further to the east and we stayed out of trouble."

Kerry offered his "kudos" to the Edgartown Yacht Club after the official results were announced via Zoom on Sunday. The elite club is within sight of Chappaquiddick Island, where Mary Jo Kopechne‎ died in 1969 after accepting a ride from Sen. Ted Kennedy (D., Mass.), who went on to serve 30 more years in the Senate and be accused of multiple acts of sexual misconduct.

It is possible that Kerry's former boss, Barack Obama, was on hand to celebrate the most impressive achievement of Kerry's career. The Obamas purchased a 30-acre estate on Edgartown Great Pond last year for nearly $15 million after signing a lucrative Netflix contract to produce documentaries about income inequality.