Satire

Memo: Free Beacon to Allow Employees to Engage in Limited Political Activity

The executive braintrust of the Washington Free Beacon, a site popular among pro-freedom advocates, said in a memo on Wednesday the company would support staff members who engage in certain political activities, a shift from the stance journalists often pretend to adopt in hopes of avoiding the appearance of partisanship.

In a companywide encrypted email decoded and reviewed by the Free Beacon, executive ombudsman and chief human relations officer Biff Diddle said, "First, let me say we are legally obligated to support and encourage you to exercise your so-called ‘rights' to free speech. If you're arrested or meet harm while exercising these rights, the Free Beacon will stand behind you, seek vengeance through appropriate channels, and use the Bullion Reserve to cover your bail or assist with medical bills."

The announcement comes as media outlets across the country struggle to confront the fact that many of their younger employees view journalism as indistinguishable from political activism and reject as old-fashioned the notion that reporters should at least maintain a pretense of objectivity.

The New York Times, for example, has an ethics policy advising its journalists not to "march or rally in support of public causes or movements" or publicly take positions on public issues because "doing so might reasonably raise doubts about their ability or The Times's ability to function as neutral observers in covering the news."

The same newspaper also saw its opinion page editor resign for failing to spike an op-ed authored by Sen. Tom Cotton (R., Ark.) that some Times staffers considered too "dangerous" to publish.

As it happens, reading the New York Times opinion section was among the newly approved political activities outlined in Diddle's memo, which represents a radical departure from existing company policy. The other approved activities are as follows:

  • Employees may participate in government-sanctioned military parades and war games.
  • Employees are no longer required to smoke cigarettes at work.
  • Employees are no longer required to receive 100 percent of their salaries in precious metals and firearms.
  • Employees may purchase Trump campaign merchandise, specifically The Official Trump Coloring Book (Note: Does NOT apply to MAGA hats).
  • Remote employees are no longer required to prove (via photographic evidence) they were standing during the daily office recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance.
  • Male-identifying employees may partake in seated urination, within reason.
  • Employees may acknowledge the existence of the WNBA.
  • Employees are no longer required to celebrate Hiroshima Day (August 6).
  • Employees may respectfully decline to accept the company-issued AR-15.
  • Employees may respectfully decline to accept the company-issued Truck Nutz.
  • Employees may participate in half marathons, provided they refrain from displaying a "13.1" sticker on their vehicles like a freaking nerd.
  • Employees may partake in cycling, within reason, but are prohibited from pressing charges against coworkers who run them down with their cars.
  • Employees are no longer banned from crying at the office, but must do so in the sound-proof panic room.
  • All former employees fired for cavorting with confirmed Antifa activist Lachlan Markay will be reinstated.