Yeah, we know. We said we weren't going to do this. Back in 2022, the Washington Free Beacon decided it would be unfair to the other nominees to keep writing Hunter Biden's name at the top of our "Man of the Year" lists every December, no matter how much he deserved the honor. So we permanently enshrined the wayward first son as our "Man of All the Years" and left it at that.
Well, here we are again, giving out another Man of the Year award to America's favorite crackhead sex fiend. It's technically forbidden, according to the Free Beacon's rather stringent bylaws, but we're taking a page out of Sleepy Joe's book and granting ourselves a preemptive pardon to absolve ourselves of any indiscretions we may have committed since our Glorious Founding in 2012. The real crime would be failing to recognize Hunter once more in light of everything he's accomplished this year.
Hunter began the year as a humble artist honing his craft, struggling to make ends meet by selling paintings to anonymous oligarchs eager to launder money and/or curry favor with his father's administration. He had some legal challenges, to be sure. His former lover Hallie Biden revealed in court that Hunter got her addicted to crack while he was dutifully filling the void left by his dead brother Beau. A major whoopsie, but it could happen to anyone.
The perennial Man of the Year carried on despite these challenges and was eventually promoted to the role of senior adviser to President Joe Biden, who was facing pressure to withdraw from the election on account of his severe dementia. After consulting his adult boy, the president ended his reelection bid just as Lunden Roberts, Hunter's ex-lover and the mother of Sleepy Joe's reluctantly acknowledged granddaughter, was preparing to publish a tell-all memoir. Talk about an epic father-son tag team. On a related note, we assume that Hunter had a ton of sex this year despite being nominally married, which we applaud.
Hunter ended the year a free man who got away with it, guilty of nothing apart from a vigorous appetite for hard drugs and loose women. Joe issued the sweeping pardon despite telling ABC News anchor David Muir straight to his stupid Botoxed face that he would never do it. It was a poetic ending to a long-running family drama in which Hunter was a victim rather than the villain. It's not his fault Joe Biden is a selfish and decrepit asshole whose record as a father is even worse than his record as president.
Enjoy your freedom, stud. The Free Beacon's esteemed Man of the Year selection committee looks forward to evaluating your contributions to American excellence again next year.
