2018 Men of the Year: Ted and Rafael Cruz

Ted and Rafael Cruz
Ted and Rafael Cruz / Getty Images

2018 has been a banner year for los hombres Cruz. Ted remains a U.S. senator after defeating liberal sex icon R. Francis O'Rourke, the skateboarding sweat hog who is just like a Kennedy, albeit with fewer mistresses and (slightly) fewer drunk driving arrests.

Cruz's victory margin was large enough to dash the Democratic dream of turning Texas blue, but underwhelming enough to moisten the diapers of neoliberal pundits secretly pining for a "white Obama" to take down Bernie Sanders and Drumpf in 2020.

Cruz demonstrated his stallion-like energy on the basketball court, besting Jimmy Kimmel in a one-on-one clash, and capped off his epic year by doing something even the real Obama could never "hope" to accomplish: He grew an outstanding beard on his face.

The beard, with its subtly textured gray highlights and blue steel machismo, may warrant a "Man of the Year" honor of its own. Cruz's face fuzz was even lauded in left-wing fashion blogs such as Esquire and Vanity Fair. Jimmy Kimmel's beard, on the other hand, sucks.

The Cruz crew's most august achievement, however, is continuing to elude facing justice for their crimes. Though the White House is currently occupied by one of the few individuals with the cerebral capacity to uncover the link between Rafael Cruz and the JFK assassination, the elder Cruz's door remains undarkened by Deep State jackboots. ¡Viva Rafa!

Ted, meanwhile, no longer bears a striking resemblance to the infamous Zodiac killer, thanks to the beard. Odds are he will continue to evade law enforcement efforts solve that case, and thereby bestowing a powerful lesson upon a grateful nation.

Some crimes need not be punished. We all deserve a second chance. After all, what is the Great American Experiment, if not a shining beacon to second chances, a redemptive catharsis for the tyrannical perversions and inbred abominations of Old Europe, or the feral lust of Castro's Cuba?

¡Vayan con Dios, los hombres Cruz! May your freedom set us free.