AMERICA, AUGUST 2018—On the steps of the luxurious Westminster Golf Club in Bedminster, N.J., the President of the United States, rallied with a collection of his good friends and supporters, a group collectively known as "Bikers For Trump," in a celebration of affection, and mutual appreciation, all in the name of owning the libs.
Dressed in their country club finest leather and cotton, Trump's happy band of road warriors finally got to party with the president himself.
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Representing the libs at this prestigious event, naturally, was the Fake News press corps. Set to photograph and record this event from their cage set many, many yards away from the action, they did their best to distract from the happy gathering and find something, anything to criticize and destroy it.
Directing their photographers to weaponize their zoom lenses, they focused their howitzers on the private citizens carrying on with the president. With a Click! Click! Zoom! Reel! FLASH! Click! Click! They were fully engaged in their battle to defend America from the democratically elected tyrant.
When the president made his way to the top of the podium for his formal remarks, the snipers in the press gallery thought they had their target in the crosshairs.
A tall, handsome gentleman dressed in a leather vest, a black t-shirt and blue jeans flanked the president and began leading the cheers. His vest, adorned with patches of valor and flare flashed in the eye of the photosniper perched on the grassy knoll from afar. Once the click-click of the shutter sounded, the sniper had her prey and the results were astonishing. Located three whole patches down on the biker's right side was a white patch proclaiming this man's support for two causes he's presumably supported and believed in his whole life.
"I HEART GUNS & TITTIES," read the slogan on the biker's patch.
The photographer thought this was the dagger they've all sought since that June day in 2015 when the future president and first lady descended the golden escalator from heaven. The patch would launch a hundred scornful and resentful headlines and the media would sleep easy that night, thinking—knowing that they'd won the great Battle of Bedminster.
As the fog cleared the next morning, the day's headlines hit porches all across America, it was clear history had indeed been made.
"Trump poses with supporter with sexist patch at motorcyclist event," read the headline in the Washington Post.
Thinking they had this story nailed, the photographer and the headline writer were quite proud of their day's work … unfortunately they forgot to consider one detail.
See, we're great again here in America. We're free to express our truest beliefs without fear of incarceration, or shame, or fear of what the liberal oppressors in the press might think.
It turns out, a patch proclaiming one's love for "Guns & Titties" isn't a vulnerability, it's what makes America great to begin with. That man's vest was bulletproof, babe. And the only ones triggered by it were the libs themselves … again.
We love guns.
We love titties.
We love 2018's men of the year.