2014 Man of the Year: Gunner Girls Shirt

December 30, 2014

When does a shirt become a man? When it’s covered in chicks and resting on the shoulders of a space genius, that’s when.

Gunner Girls Shirt exploded onto the scene in 2014 after the European Space Agency successfully landed its Rosetta spacecraft on a moving comet more than 300 million miles away from Earth. That’s a pretty hard thing to do, and most people were pretty impressed. Others went poopy in their diaper.

Outraged critics bombarded Gunner Girls Shirt with mean words, as some argued that the entire concept of "science" should be invalidated over some illustrated ladies on a piece of cloth. The decline of the Western world seemed more imminent than ever.

In a shameful display of cultural capitulation, "Glasses Guy"—his real name is irrelevant—issued a groveling apology for his bold fashion choice. Gunner Girls Shirt, however, held firm against the aggrieved mob of armchair scientists. It sold like hot cakes on the Internet, thus proving that capitalism is and always will be mankind’s greatest invention.

In our increasingly authoritarian state, freedom of fashion is one of the few freedoms we are still allowed to enjoy. Either you support freedom, or you hate science. That is the choice we face. The human race may not be around much longer, so we should probably ask ourselves: What’s a better use of our time here? Landing spaceships on a moving comet? Or changing our shirts because someone sitting in their basement wrote an angry blog post?

The answer is clear. God bless the Gunner Girls Shirt, a Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year.

Published under: Men of the Year