James Talarico has been missing in action for almost two weeks. His campaign would like us to believe "the flu" is to blame. In the words of one Texas Democrat, who for obvious reasons declined to be named, "He's, like, really sick."
The American people aren't buying it. Democrats already tried this with Joe Biden and John Fetterman. If it seems like they're hiding something, they probably are. As many have pointed out, Michael Jordan got the flu once. He drank some Gatorade and put up 38 points, 7 rebounds, 5 assists, and 3 steals in 44 minutes on the road. Days later, the Chicago Bulls won their fifth NBA title in seven years.
So what's really going on?
We did some digging and came up with six theories that are significantly more plausible than "he got the flu."
1. Grounded by his mother
There are any number of reasons why the candidate's mother might decide he needed an extended time out. Mrs. Talarico shares a checking account with her son, so maybe she found some purchases she didn't approve of. Maybe the recent polls, which show him leading GOP rival Ken Paxton, have gone to Talarico's head, and she wanted to put him in his place. Maybe she'd grown tired of her son's relentless skirt-chasing—a different staffer every week—and decided to lay down the law. Bad boys need boundaries.
2. Mental breakdown triggered by failed attempt to "grow a beard like Buttigieg"
Who could blame him for wanting to look a little more grown-up? If Talarico makes it to the U.S. Senate, everyone will assume he's an intern, page, or Boy Scout on a field trip who got separated from his troop. Mayor Pete, or "Mayor Beast" as he is sometimes known, is the gold standard for Democratic beards, but only a select few have the goods to compete at his level. Most who try are doomed to disappointment and the mental anguish that comes with it. Just ask Abdul El-Sayed.
3. Preparing for a lead role in musical (directed by Tim Walz)
You might be shocked to learn that Talarico played Danny Zuko in his high school production of Grease. Or maybe not. We'd understand if he got the itch to return to the stage. Some things are more important than politics. If we had to guess, Talarico was tapped to star in High Steppin', written and directed by former VP candidate Tim Walz. He'll presumably play the role of Joey Leatherfoot, the high school quarterback whose season is canceled by #MeToo allegations involving the head coach. Inspired by a free-spirited social studies teacher, Tommy Tango, the team enters a statewide dance competition and throws some of the tightest spirals the world has ever seen. It's fourth down and fabulous, and they're going for it.
4. Contracted immunity-resistant strain of racism virus
Talarico probably thought that "white skin gives me and every white American immunity" from "the virus of racism." That white people were merely carriers who spread the virus "wherever we go." He should have listened to the experts. For all we know, Talarico is locked in a basement somewhere in Austin, frothing at the mouth, sweaty bedsheet fashioned into a Klan robe, unleashing a torrent of elaborately constructed racial epithets previously unknown to the English language. Get well soon!
5. Freaking out about his missing laptop
We've all been there. October is an especially bad time to misplace a computer.
6. Recording a "Coexist" hip-hop album with Zohran Mamdani (a.k.a. Young Cardamom)
This is also quite plausible, and we wouldn't be surprised if Barack Obama rolled up with a Netflix film crew to document the creative journey. We can't wait to see the track list: "Empathy State of Mind," "In da Mosque," "Mo' Money, Mo' Taxes (feat. Bernie Sanders)," "God as My Whiteness (feat. Jazz Crockett)."
This is a developing story. The Free Beacon won't stop until we learn the truth about James Talarico.
