The 2022 Washington Free Beacon Gift Guide

December 22, 2022

Here at the Washington Free Beacon, we understand that 2022 didn’t always go exactly how our readers would have liked. But we also recognize that during the Christmas season, it's not about red waves or blue waves—it's about the waves of joy that rush over you and your loved ones as they experience the perfect gift. In this time of fierce divisions, we turn to our partners from across the political spectrum to bring you the finest holiday recommendations.

Home With Dan Cousins

Portrait of man wearing surgical mask at home. Covid-19, coronavirus and quarantine concept.
Getty Images

It’s been a long two years, hasn’t it? I was really hoping to share some amazing gift ideas for those of you who (like me) love to entertain, but Tish and I are still distancing until the FDA approves the new booster for Tibetan mastiffs—doggos have the same right to be free of infection as anyone else!

Yale Smart Delivery Box with Keypad ($359.99)

Without encouraging the spread of baseless conspiracy theories about increased crime rates, I think it’s fair to say that none of us want our weekly Healthy Harvest bowl subscriptions disappearing mysteriously from our porches. That’s where this new device from Yale Security comes in. The Smart Delivery Box doesn’t just provide security for your packages—the contactless design keeps you safe too by allowing you to receive deliveries even when you don’t know the vaccination status of the driver!

Zoom Pro Subscription ($149.99, billed annually)

Our holiday plans for a socially distanced secular Christmas (her tradition) and vegan Kwanzah (mine) party would not be possible without Zoom, which also made our Friendsgiving Lizzo karaoke party such a smash hit! While a free version is available, it limits your meetings to only 40 minutes, which doesn’t work for professionals either.

Envomask ($79)

Despite our best efforts to show consideration to those who are unable to receive vaccines (hello species-ists!) or to those suffering from Long Covid who fear reinfection, both Tish and I have occasionally been forced to leave the house. If your employer is requiring you to attend monthly in-office meetings, you can’t go wrong with the Envomask, which features replaceable filters, comfy gel padding, and an option to choose between regular head straps or ear loops. Ignore the dirty looks you get at the airport: You’re doing your part!

Dan Cousins is a regular contributor to Wirecutter. He is currently producing a limited run series on smart living for Apple’s streaming service.

Health With Laetitia Irvin-Bhavesh

Portrait of a mid adult woman working on the laptop at home
Getty Images

This year for me has been all about body positivity. Traditional definitions of health are subject to ableist discourse designed to undermine and minimize the contributions of minorities, including BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ individuals and persons experiencing BMI ≥ 40 kg/m2. Language such as "overweight" and "obese," as well as "overeating," "lack of exercise," and similar frameworks have no place in an inclusive/holistic framework for wellness, as I’m sure all readers will agree.

Cubii Move Starter Elliptical ($253, includes mat and footstraps)

I have really enjoyed the workout experience provided by the Cubii. It allows those of us who for health reasons are unable to make use of conventional gyms and equipment designs rooted in discriminatory practices to engage in mindfulness-oriented activity while rejecting of the medicalization of fatness. Basically you move your feet while you are at your desk.

Kiss My Keto Gummy Bears ($20.99, 10 pack)

Good nutrition is of course a crucial part of any fat-affirming lifestyle. While I reject dietary guidelines grounded in the deliberate attempts to privilege thinness along with environments and/or technologies (such as airports or conventional seatbelts) meant to exclude fat bodies, it doesn’t mean that I don’t try to make conscientious scientifically informed decisions about how I’m eating. These handy 12-packs make for a great mid-morning snack at home or on the go.

Raw Rose Quartz Mala Necklace ($24.50)

Spirituality is just as important to overall well-being as engaging in exercise practices that reject the normative weight-loss paradigm. This is why when I meditate I wear this necklace, which features 108 beads made from Amazonite (wisdom/compassion/heart chakra), turquoise (protective/stabilization/balance across chakras), and of course rose quartz (trust/harmony/grief/comfort).

The Palazzo Shine Fuller Bust Non Pad Plunge ($22)

Fat acceptance will never be possible without deliberate allyship. A crucial aspect of obtaining recognition outside the legal sphere of civil rights is acknowledgment of differently sized women in industries from which we have historically been subject to size-based discrimination, including modeling, pornography, and sex work. This is why I am so pleased to see impact designers coming around with sexy pieces like this one, which is a favorite of both my husband and my clients.

Laetitia Irvin-Bhavesh blogs at Free From Fat-Free. Her essays, articles, and reviews have appeared in Teen Vogue, Elle, and Playboy.

Heart With Ray Nathan, a.k.a. the Love Ninja

Caucasian man repairing motorcycle and wiping hands
Getty Images

All of you freedom lovers who listen to the Blood Sex Sugar MAGA podcast know what I’ve been through. First I almost got canceled from Spotify after either Crosby, Stills, or Nash (who cares which one) threatened to remove his music from the platform unless they stopped hosting me. But free speech prevailed. Anyway, the crisis cauzed me to reflect on everything Our Lord has given me—fame, fortune, political influence, a car personally driven by Dale Earnhardt at Talladega, a vast collection of authentic samurai swords, a wife with rockin’ cans—and inspired me to give just a little extra to readers this year.

Ninjutsu Shinobi Practitioner Package ($117.99)

Never mind all that fake Hollywood crap. For authentic ninjas, this is a one-stop shop complete with 100 percent cotton uniform, custom-sized long tabi boots, socks, and utility belt. Whether you’re the sneakin’ and streakin’ or the hittin’ and slittin’ variety of martial artist, this kit will be able to perform a remarkable array of feats.

One Bite 5 Cheese Frozen Pizza ($7.99)

As my listeners know, your boy Ray isn’t generally one for the frozen foods section. Medical science has established that preservatives and seed oils can turn lower sperm counts exponentially. But sometimes when you’ve got to shake and bake pronto, you just don’t have time to painstakingly smoke 200 pounds of wild boar meat in your custom backyard pit setup. Sometimes you just need pizza, and in my experience you can’t go wrong with one of these boys.

Gorilla Mind Sigma Testosterone Booster ($59.99, three-month supply)

It’s hard not to notice that among my fellow patriots and even listeners who belong to my exclusive Sengoku Warlord supporter tier on Patreon, there are a lot of men walking around who look so light in the loafers that they make Pajama Boy look like Hank Willams, Jr. If you don’t have time to commit yourself to one of my fully immersive light armored tactical jujitsu retreats, you can still cut a decent figure by popping these with your morning protein shake.

Men's Leopard Print Collar Loincloth ($14.99)

I gotta admit: this is one I’m really proud of, not just because it’s the best way to show the lucky lady in your life that you’ve got more under the hood than a broken spark plug, but because at this price you might as well buy two or three of ’em. In fact, Mrs. Nathan likes this outfit so much that it’s no longer just a night time accessory. I’ve started wearing it around the house, on our private golf course, and even to parties at the lake.

Ray Nathan, a.k.a. The Love Ninja, is a New York Times bestselling author and the host of the Blood Sugar Sex MAGA podcast on Spotify.

Heroism With Semen Borysovych Nechyporenko

Ukrrainian soldier with a machine gun
Getty Images

Last time readers of Washington Liberty Watchtower read words of this patriot. aka friend Semen, I am thanking Dzhozef and well famed son Hunter for job in make venture capital. This time I am of mind to change from known ass party to elephant, plus join large resistance force with special freedom weapon from Monkey of Truth. But still make time even from battle battlefield for sharing of ideas to make best presents for ethical boy and girl of many dollars.

Donald Trump Collectible N.F.T. Cards ($99 each) 

In initial phase after I earn degree from Delaware University (same as Ulyana Biden), I am being poorly taught and say that President 45 is worst since Andriy Johnson. Now, as it is having in commercial, I know that Donal'd was having greater significance in three areas than even Georg Washington or favorite hero Avraam Lincoln, including 1) maximum of freedom, 2) he is making zero collusion, 3) frighten Tatars of nuclear ambition with no deals of money—plus, as favor, he delivers with speediness poultice for Chinese flu. In commemoration special computer card is must need purchase.

Ukrainian Flag Panties ($23.99)

Above are of mine most favorite in annual catalogue, though not in great expense. For these I am often purchasing many pair, for support both of Ukraine in ultimate struggle with Brown Pants tyrant Vladimir Vladimirovich and for give special warmth/comfort to Marta, Oksana, Veronika, Nina, and especial lover/comrade Zlata, who is wearing them in lap of mine while finishing this article commission.

Sauce Gardner Jersey ($129.99)

In former of years I learn from Dzhozef to support team with name that is racial slur. Now being lad of allyship, I offer homage to best winning franchise of professional U.S. football, it being from City of Enormous Apple where have airplane mascot instead of native crimson czar, which is not good for remain woke.

Twitter Blue Subscription ($8 a month web, $11 a month IOS) 

Ever since Dzhek make leave of bird company on World Wide Web to sell to man of space travel, it is easier for silver tongue lad such as Semen to make postings of truth. For example, I formerly cannot Twitter on "where is Hunter’s laptop," but now I use posts unlimited on improved Superhighway of Information (which is zero of being invented by Albert Gore).

Semen Borysovych Nechyporenko is a former member of the Ukrainian Parliament who served as vice deputy chairman of the Unconditional Fatherland League from 2013 until 2017. From 2017 to 2021 he was a senior partner at Pine Island Capital Partners. He is now a deputy commander of the Ukrainian People’s Militsiya.