U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch deserves high praise for targeting the corrupt internationalist hegemons at FIFA, a thoroughly rotten institution whose blind devotion to anti-American concepts such as whining, sobbing, hands-offedness, pretending to be injured, low and/or tie scores, "friendly" play, and Frenchness, is blight on humanity.
Purging the soccer federation is a necessary step toward restoring American values, such as brawn, freedom, and exceptionalism to their rightful atop a unipolar world order. But it is hardly sufficient. Arresting crooked bureaucrats at their five-star hotel in Switzerland is a good start, but new data suggests that beating back the creeping tide of soccer cultism will require a meting out of long-overdue justice much closer to home.
The Washington Post reports that the D.C. area ranked "first in viewership for both the UEFA Champions League final Saturday afternoon and the U.S. Women’s World Cup opener Monday night," beating out a murderer's row of hipster communes, including Denver, Miami, San Francisco, and New York. I'm just shocked. Oh, wait. I'm not.
It's no secret that the American capital is rapidly becoming a real-life version of Panem, a decadent monstropolis that considers all those unfortunate enough to live beyond its walls to be subhuman mongrels, valued only for their contributions to a confiscatory tax regime that ensures even the most lowly members of the posh consultant class shall never want for a gold-plated, motion-sensored bidet in their heated-tile bathrooms. I haven't actually read Hunger Games, but that's besides the point. The disconnect between our Imperial City-dwellers and the pious throngs of hardworking everyday Americans has never been more stark.
Does Loretta Lynch have the "balls" (no pun intended) to confront the soccer menace lurking in her own backyard? I have my doubts. Is the "long arm" of law enforcement flexible enough to snuff out corruption in Europe and reach back across the Atlantic to tackle this domestic scourge? Or will our nation's top referee blow the whistle for a "hand ball"? It might not make a difference. As we all know, soccer fandom is a moral failing that no amount of wiretaps or federal indictments can cure on their own. It is privilege, plain and simple.
What America needs is a bonafide cultural revolution to rid itself of the scarf-waving fanaticism, fair-weather patriotism, and ostentatious study-abroadism that have infested the consciousness of D.C. residents who perversely equate caring about politics with making a difference in the world. Whether or not we deserve such a cleansing is another question.
Hope springs eternal, as they say, so it seems appropriate to end on a note of optimism, which I would do if I could think of one. If you thought things couldn't get any worse, just consider the fact that the NHL Stanley Cup is enjoying record U.S. television ratings. In case you hadn't heard, ice hockey was invented in Canada.
CANADA.