America's thought leaders have been thought-leading pretty hard about the question of what the makeshift conglomerate of genocidal gang rape enthusiasts known as ISIS really wants. Many people think they know the answer, but sometimes thinking insightful thoughts is no substitute for aggressive, fact-based reporting, which is why the Free Beacon is publishing this official list of ISIS demands, obtained exclusively from Islamic State press secretary Ibrahim al-Dipshit:
Official list of ISIS demands:
- The United States shall increase its military involvement in the region, which will boost recruitment of future terrorists.
- American politicians shall continue to engage in "offensive and hysterical" rhetoric on the issue of Syrian refugees, which will cause most of these refugees to join ISIS if we don't let them in, and will radicalize Muslims already living in the United States and inspire them to commit Paris-style attacks.
- Death to Jews.
- Hillary Clinton must not be permitted to win the 2016 election, because electing the first female president would force many potential ISIS recruits to reconsider their murderous hostility toward a country that just demonstrated its commitment to women's equality with a stunning, historic achievement.
- Climate change must continue unabated thanks to the perverse inaction of anti-science politicians.
- Republicans in Congress shall continue to block passage of the Paycheck Fair Act, legislation that would ensure that women are automatically paid the same as men no matter what, because gender inequality is a pillar of the Islamic State's backward ideology.
- America's crumbling infrastructure must remain in an abysmal state of disrepair thanks to an obstructionist Congress who is more concerned with opposing President Obama than they are with creating jobs; the proliferation of potholes will spark an epidemic of road rage, which is well-established as a gateway drug to jihad.
- So-called "freedom of speech" must endure as an absolute protection against wrong thoughts and offensive language that threatens the physical safety of marginalized groups, and for university professors to resists calls for their resignations; as long as Americans are allowed to disagree with each other in public, hateful speechmongers will continue to inflame young extremist Muslims who will inevitably turn to terrorism in the absence of a safe space to heal.
- Hollywood must remake the "Mighty Ducks" children's movie franchise, but instead of hockey players, the plot must focus on a wily band of misfit youngsters whose dream is to win first prize at the prestigious goat beauty pageant in Riyadh, and the washed-up goat herder who leads them to victory and finds love in the end.
- It shall become known to ISIS members what Bill Murray whispered into Scarlett Johansson's ear at the end of Lost in Translation.
- A Hollywood representative shall, in a closed briefing with ISIS leadership, explain the plot of Inception.
- George Lucas shall host an advanced private screening of Star Wars: The Force Awakens for senior ISIS members and their wives and sex slaves.
- Radiohead must never be allowed to produce another shitty album.
- The disturbing social stigma surrounding the "man bun" must be eradicated, by force if necessary.
We further demand:
- The immediate verification of all official ISIS brand social media accounts.
- 67 signed copies of Jonathan Franzen's latest novel Purity.
- Nude photos of Betty White.
- A new brand of snack chips with the texture of Fritos® but the flavor options of Doritos®, "Cool Ranch" in particular.
- The Frasier reboot everyone is too ashamed to admit they'd watch.
- ISIS-themed emojis.
- Stop trying to make fedoras "happen." We get it, you wished you'd been better at sports in high school. Plus, they obstruct the man bun.
- Tinder, but for ISIS.
- Harsher penalties for tourists who stand to the left on escalators.
- Kalashnikov-compatable mount for selfie stick.
- John Mayer, crucified in public.
- Flannel shirt, size XL.