The Sonny Bunch Endorsement: A Gondola From Rosslyn to Georgetown

You've got to be fking kidding me.

Apparently, serious consideration is being given to building a gondola—you know, like, straight out of the Alps—between Rossyln, Va. (not incidentally, the location of Washington Free Beacon World Headquarters) and Georgetown, the ritzy Washington, D.C., neighborhood.


Here's a paragraph from a report on a new study "proving" the project's "feasibility":

In addition to confirming the project has "no fatal flaws" and is technically possible and "legally permit-eligible," ZGF's findings show a gondola would help reduce trips on regional transit, serving about 6,500 riders daily. The concentrated activity in both Rosslyn and Georgetown makes this area "a great place to test this," Burick said.

The gondola itself would be built next to the Key Bridge, carrying passengers from one bank of the Potomac River to the other. The projected cost of this lunacy is $90 million.

It is, to be blunt, a totally nutty idea. It is duplicative, wasteful, stupid, asinine, ugly, and sure to cost tens of million more than the price tag suggested, because duplicative, wasteful, stupid, asinine, and ugly mass transit projects always ends up costing tens of millions more. (See, for instance, the D.C. Streetcar Debacle.)

I heartily endorse it.

Look, sure, you could point to the fact that the Key Bridge already has very nice sidewalks, sidewalks easily traversed by hundreds, if not thousands, of people a day. You could highlight the fact that buses run over the bridge nonstop, offering plenty of transport at a minimal cost to user and city alike. You could note that very few people actually travel from Georgetown to Rosslyn, as terminus points.

But what these Debbie Downers don't quite understand is how much I, Sonny Bunch, will personally get out of this magnificent contraption.

Yes, I could walk or take a bus—like some sort of plebe—but why do that when I can float high above the surface on a magnificent gondola? Have you ever even experienced the bracing Swiss air as you hold your skis, waiting to summit some mighty peak? Know you the pleasures of Davos and other worldly thought-leadering efforts, where your betters join to drink bitter coffee and laugh about the affairs of the downtrodden who would presume to vote for nationalism over globalism?

What the gondola offers is a reminder of the finer things in life. And given its location, it will be of fantastic use for those who work in Rosslyn and partake in the legendary cocktail party circuit of the Georgetown salons. There must be dozens of us. We can hop right over the river—literally looking down on the lesser folk who have to bus to some far-off locale, probably transferring at least once, maybe taking a train, underground, like some sort of mole person—and straight into a swanky bourgeois drawing room, handed a Manhattan as we waltz through the door and throw our fur-lined overcoats on the arms of waiting manservants.

Needless to say, I'm happy to force the city of Washington and the people of the state of Virginia to foot the bill for this extravagance. They should feel honored by all the, um, I dunno, job creation (or whatever).

So yes! Build the gondola! Who cares if it's dumb and pointless? It's the perfect symbol for our decadent capital city and all those who live within, and around, it. It is, frankly, the least you disgusting people could do for us.