Tensions will apparently be running high this year at Thanksgiving. Weblogs as varied as the Washington Free Beacon and VOX DOT COM are offering guides on how to get through Turkey Day without brutally murdering your closest kin for daring to suggest that immigrants speak English, or whatever. But there's one topic no one has really broached yet, one avenue of discussion no one has told us how to DOMINATE and DESTROY. And with the upcoming release of Star Wars Episode VII The Force Awakens And Then Hits Snooze Because Crap Man It Had Twelve Drinks Last Night, it's a topic that's more important than ever to have a handle on.
Fortunately, I'm all over it. Here's the only guide you need in order to intelligently discuss Star Wars with your ignorant, backwards, space-terrorist-supporting uncle.
A couple of things to remember before engaging in any argument with an apologist for the Republic:
- The only Star Wars facts worth arguing over are those contained in the movies.
- If someone says "But in the Expanded Universe … " immediately cut them off, remind them that the EU is no longer canon, and cruelly laugh at them as they fight back tears while they think about the hours—nay, days, weeks!—of their life that they wasted while reading about Admiral Thrawn and Corellian jackaninnies or whatever.
- You're dealing with someone who has likely spent the last 40-or-so years convinced that Luke Skywalker and co are good guys, so you need to angrily (and preferably loudly) mock their value system in order to deprive them of the moral high ground. If we've learned anything from Salon Dot Com and John Oliver over the last few years, it's that the key to DESTROYING someone is not calmly discussing the facts but yelling about racism or whatever.
So, on that note:
The Jedi Are a Racist Space Aristocracy
Everyone watches the original trilogy and thinks "Hey, wow, this ‘Jedi' thing is pretty cool. I can train to control the force and become a knight and help maintain order throughout the galaxy? Awesome!" As we learn in the prequels, though, this is not at all how it works: only those who are born with a certain genetic defect can control the force and this defect is hereditary, meaning the Jedi order is inherently dynastic and anti-meritocratic in nature. Speaking of people who lorded their genetic makeup over others…
Rebellion Celebrations Are Literally Naziesque
As I've noted elsewhere, George Lucas modeled the celebration at the end of A New Hope—where the non-white, non-human Chewbacca is denied a medal as a sea of pasty faces look on—on shots cribbed from Leni Riefenstahl's work. I don't want to go all Godwin on you, but even your drunk, backwards uncle doesn't support Hitler, does he?
Colonialist Rebels Exploited Innocent Ewoks
So dig this my dudes: On the forest moon of Endor, the Empire was able to build a shield generator without really bothering the indigenous life forms. They coexisted in harmony, Empire and Ewok alike engaging in a live and let live philosophy. And then the Rebels show up, convince the Ewoks that C-3PO's some sort of god, and enlist them in a holy war against the Empire! Not only that, they send their newfound teddy bear allies into battle armed with naught by sticks and stones against a garrison that is armed with lasers and AT-STs! AYFKM with this, man? Luke Skywalker is basically a latter-day Hernan Cortes. And, as we know, the conquistadors were history's greatest monsters.
The Destruction of Alderaan Was Completely Justified
The only trump card that Republican apologists have left to play, at this point, is the notion that the destruction of Alderaan was some sort of horrible war crime. For a variety of reasons, this is ridiculous. However, all you really need to do is say this: "Grand Moff Tarkin was no worse than noted haberdasher and Democratic President Harry S. Truman." Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to maintain the peace, you know?
Ted Cruz Supports the Rebels
So there you are, a hip young millennial trying to explain why your bigoted, backwards uncle has it all wrong. Here's YOUR trump: "You know who else supports the rebellion? That dope from Texas TED CRUZ." You don't even have to explain why this so obviously proves your point—it's not your job to enact that labor, after all—because every non-backwards person at the table will recognize how smart you are and will call on your ignorant relative to just be quiet.
Check. And. Mate. Your Salon Dot Com internship is waiting, young sith.
Published under: Satire