As my gift this Christmas, I am going to give you eight football picks for the holiday weekend and also some keen advice for what to do with them.
The advice is simple—bet heavily, on all of them.
It's pretty obvious you overspent on Christmas presents this year (how could you be expected to be thrifty after being shown a bunch of tanks and ninja tools in our Holiday Gift Guide?) but that's a good thing.
Nobody likes the cheapskate uncle that makes a donation in your honor to The Human Fund—they like the badass who knows his nephew really needed a drivable beer cooler.
But money doesn't grow on trees, and in the real world we need to bet on football games to recoup the losses we incur spending profligately. Let these sexy Santas, elves, and reindeer guide you to winning all your Christmas spending back.
Here are eight picks for week 16:
Washington Redskins AT Philadelphia Eagles
PICK: Redskins +3.5
Philadelphia is Santa's least favorite city ever since they boo'ed him in 1968, so he will be rooting hard against the Eagles this weekend.
New York Giants AT Minnesota Vikings
PICK: Vikings -5.5
Odell Beckham Jr. is the only good player on his team and he is getting coal in his stocking after getting suspended. Without him, consider the Giants schlonged.
Dallas Cowboys AT Buffalo Bills
PICK: Cowboys +6
Pretty sure this Santa fan is decorating her tree with a Cowboys ornament. Interesting choice, given how bad the Cowboys are right now, but it convinced me.
Cleveland Browns AT Kansas City Chiefs
PICK: Browns +12.5
Johnny Football will play Scrooge to all the Clevelanders hoping that the team keeps losing and gets the first pick in the draft.
New England Patriots AT New York Jets
PICK: Jets +3.5
There is no way that the cheater Patriots aren't on Santa's Naughty List this year.
Chicago Bears AT Tampa Bay Buccaneers
PICK: Buccaneers -3
If the Reindeer are pulling for the Bucs, Santa will give them a win on Christmas.
Jacksonville Jaguars AT New Orleans Saints
PICK: Jaguars +3.5
Santa likes it when his little helpers wear Jaguar print.
Cincinnati Bengals AT Denver Broncos
PICK: Bengals +3.5
The universe gave us all a present when Andy Dalton broke his finger. Now we have an excuse to look at Katherine Webb again.