It's been a long, busy summer, and during it I have shirked my responsibilities to create heavily illustrated cheesecake content for the Washington Free Beacon. I'm ready to make up for lost time.
I don't have much to say about football—I hope that the Patriots are as bad as they looked on Thursday. I also hope that Tom Brady gets so demoralized that he retires early and the team ends the year with Colin Kaepernick under center. Crazier things have happened.
Here are my eight picks for week one.
New York Jets AT Buffalo Bills
PICK: Jets +8.5
Everybody's favorite political commentator Emily Ratajkowski went on a fishing trip. I've never been fishing, but it looks fun.
She also drank on boats, which I have done, and is also fun.
Philadelphia Eagles AT Washington Redskins
PICK: Redskins +1.5
Model Alexis Ren also had an active summer, culminating in being featured on Maxim's cover.
She also relaxed. On a July trip to Spain, for example, she slept until 10:17 in the morning.
Jacksonville Jaguars AT Houston Texans
PICK: Texans -5
Kate Upton moved to Houston! I did cover this, but who else was I going to feature for my Texans pick?
On the topic of summer—Kate Upton needs to learn how to play cornhole.
This is awful form.
New York Giants AT Dallas Cowboys
PICK: Cowboys -4
Sara Sampaio had, in my humble opinion, the best summer of anyone. It included dressing up as the mascot for America's Team with a bunch of other Victoria's Secret models.
Sampaio also went on boats.
And hugged a puppy.
And floated on angel wings.
And wore a Cowboys logo on her sleeve on the cover of Elle China. Seems like a sign to me.
Atlanta Falcons AT Chicago Bears
PICK: Bears +6.5
Nina Agdal did the Fourth of the July right, and the rest of her summer right too.
Which is to say, she brought her dog everywhere she went.
She also did some photography.
Oakland Raiders AT Tennessee Titans
PICK: Raiders +2.5
Raider nation's finest, Josephine Skriver, has really embraced the team's style all summer, including this Raider-themed Burning Man outfit that is a bit terrifying.
Her other Burning Man outfits were better.
She also hung out with great animals.
Arizona Cardinals AT Detroit Lions
PICK: Cardinals +2
Samantha Hoopes was everywhere, and it was awesome.
Baltimore Ravens AT Cincinnati Bengals
PICK: Ravens +3
Yeah, that's Kate Upton again. I couldn't help myself.
Enjoy week one!