Free Beacon Fan Fiction: Supreme Court Upholds Trump Executive Order to Detain ‘Disgusting’ Journalists at Guantanamo

June 28, 2017

WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court on Monday voted 7-2 to uphold President Donald J. Trump’s executive order condemning members of the "extremely failed and disgusting" media to indefinite confinement at the recently renamed Trump International Luxury Resort and Detention Camp for Enemies of American Greatness in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

The decision was a victory for Mr. Trump and the vast majority of Americans – 83 percent, according to a Free Beacon poll published days prior to the ruling – who "strongly support" the measure. Thousands gathered on the steps of the Supreme Court to celebrate, many of them chanting "Lock them up!" and singing "Go to Gitmo lying media / Write your headlines on an island" to the tune of Elton John's "Tiny Dancer."


Supreme Court Justice Neil M. Gorsuch authored the majority opinion, which roundly dismissed the legal challenge brought by the Society of Professional Journalists, as well as the counterclaim filed by lawyers representing the Blessed Alliance of Guantanamo Residents, who argued that forcing detainees to share living space with members of the media would violate the Geneva Convention.

"The Order is consistent with the principles outlined in the Constitution," Mr. Gorsuch wrote. "Anyone with a brain can see that. The Court takes no satisfaction in permitting the Order to stand, however, as we suspect that many in the dishonest press will be all too thrilled at the prospect of sharing a detention facility with their idols, the terrorists."

The majority found that Mr. Trump’s executive order was consistent with the presidential authority granted by the Authorization of the Use of Military Force to wage war against enemy combatants. "Having a verified Twitter account does not give these so-called reporters the right to threaten our national security and undermine our cherished freedoms," Mr. Gorsuch added. "The failed media, as currently constituted, amounts to little more than a cacophony of deceit, a dirty bomb of lies."

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Chief Justice John G. Roberts dissented in the case. Ginsburg chided the majority for its "broke not woke" approach to interpreting the Constitution, while Roberts explained that, while he generally agreed with the majority opinion, he also "felt kind of bad for all the journalists."

The American people felt otherwise, according to an analysis of their remarks on Twitter, a social media website.

Mr. Trump also celebrated the ruling in a series of tweets.

Mr. Trump announced the executive order earlier this month during a signing ceremony at the Oval Office. He was joined by his wife Melania, his daughter Ivanka, and the family members of Americans whose "lives had been shattered by fake news."


Less than an hour after the ruling was handed down, Acting Secretary of Defense Stephen K. Bannon announced in an interview with Breitbart News that detentions of "globalist sympathizers" in the media would begin immediately.Officers descended on the White House and Capitol Hill to clear out the press galleries. FBI agents were spotted loading distraught correspondents into paddy wagons bound for Andrews Air Force Base.

Several dozen reporters managed to escape, and attempted to seek refuge at the NW Washington, D.C., residence of former President Barack H. Obama, where they were promptly incapacitated by panicked Secret Service agents armed with tasers and pepper spray.


Most of the journalists were easy to apprehend on account of their physical weakness, but a number of crafty bloggers were able to barricade themselves within their company headquarters, and continued to publish content for several hours before SWAT team robots could neutralize them.

As the sun set on Washington, D.C., revelers flocked to the White House for an impromptu fireworks display. "I'm so honored to have lived long enough to see this day," said Strickland Worters, 92. "I am especially happy for my great-grandchildren. This is their VJ Day."


UPDATE: An estimated 1.6 million people gathered in Jacksonville, Fla., on Tuesday to witness the first transfer of detainees to Guantanamo Bay. President Trump flew in from Washington to address the enthusiastic crowd. "It's a great day to be an American," he said, speaking aboard the USS John F. Kennedy. "Take a look at that ship. Isn't she gorgeous? And all those filthy, filthy people. Are we going to miss them? No, I didn't think so."