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FLASHFORWARD: President Donald Trump Assembles Tremendous Cabinet, Like You Wouldn't Believe

Our next president.
August 25, 2015

Donald Trump is surging in the polls and thrusting his way into the hearts and minds of American voters. That thing with the stock market proves he's right about China, just as he's right about most things. It's an empirical fact, for example, that Heidi Klum is no longer a 10—and we're sorry, Heidi, not all women are tens, either. For speaking the truth about Klum alone, Trump will make a fabulous president. But the task of making America great again is bigger than any one tremendously classy man. History's boldest leaders, such as Napoleon, have always surrounded themselves with top talent. Trump is sure to follow suit. Here is an exclusive look at his future cabinet:

Vice President: Caitlyn Jenner

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Classy, elegant, conservative

Secretary of State: Dennis Rodman

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Experienced diplomat, crashes the boards

Secretary of Defense: Hulk Hogan

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American hero, world champion

Attorney General: Louie Gohmert

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Former judge, legal scholar, won't hesitate to bring Eric Holder to justice

Secretary of Homeland Security: J.J. Watt

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Border-state experience, great tackler

Secretary of Agriculture (Honorary): Rosie O'Donnell

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"Because she's a fat cow, all she does is eat." Trump

Secretary of Agriculture (Acting): Donald Trump

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Successful land owner, well-versed in the procurement of government subsidies

Secretary of Commerce: Omarosa

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"She gets it. She'll do a great job."

Secretary of Labor: Mike Tyson

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"Makes Dick Trumpka look like a little bitch."

Secretary of Energy: Sarah Palin

Lieutenant Col. David Cogdell helps Alaska Governor Sarah Palin test out the Engagement Skills Trainer at Camp Buehring, Kuwait July 24. Palin visited the Soldiers of 3rd Battalion 297th Infantry Regiment Alaska National Guard to learn about their mission in Kuwait.

Drill, baby, drill

Secretary of Health & Human Services: Yoga Pants

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Promoting a healthy lifestyle while looking fabulous

Secretary of Transportation: Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

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Loves America, knows how to win

Secretary of Education: Olivia Culpo

2012 Miss Universe Pageant

"If my teachers had looked like her, I probably wouldn't have done so incredibly well in school."

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Kate Upton

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Because our veterans deserve the best

IRS Commissioner: Barron Trump

Celebrities at the 'Celebrity Apprentice' finale at Trump Tower in NYC

A tax code so simple a child could've written it

EPA Administrator: Grave Digger

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Make America great again, dammit

United States Trade Representative: Bernie Sanders

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Agrees with Trump on most issues, especially trade

White House Chief of Staff: n/a

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"I think I know what I'm doing, okay? I've got billions."

White House Communications Director: Harley Brown

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Enemy of political correctness, Free Beacon Man of the Year

White House Press Secretary: Newt Gingrich

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Media relations expert, profound thinker

Special Envoy to the Muslim World: Pamela Geller 

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"Reasonably hawkish, and I probably would've dated her 30 years ago."