John Boehner smooches new "bff" Nancy Pelosi. (AP)
• March 27, 2014 11:18 am


The Free Beacon can't be trusted to report the news, which means I have to take precious time away from my day job—spearheading the Neocon High Council’s "Operation Epic Zion"—to be an ombudsman.

I present to you a story that should have been leading our website since Wednesday:

Has John Boehner lost his mind? No need to answer that, because the truth is we are the ones who have all gone mad, judging by the simple fact that John Boehner has yet to join the wretched ash heap of "former" speakers. Among them already (thank heavens) is Nancy Pelosi, who is apparently, in the parlance of our times, John Boehner’s new "bff." Take a look:


"Dear Nancy." Ugh. "All the best on your birthday." I want to barf. "Here's hoping—and guessing—you didn’t give up chocolate for Lent." What a coy little flirt! I bet they smooch each other in the cloak room in between votes. And what the hell is "gelato"? It sounds European.

But that's not even the worst part:


Read it and weep, patriots:


The lettering appears to read "Liberty Recycled," which may be the single greatest oxymoron in the English language. Congrats, John. I guess you couldn't be bothered to defund Obamacare because you were too busy caring about the environment, trying to impress Nancy and her hacky sack gang. Can we please fire this bum already?

And to the smug coastal elites "working" at the Free Beacon: I know how much the neocons are paying you. And if we're not devoting the majority of our time and resources to covering the wussification of our RINO overlords, we might as well call it a day. The History of the Decline and Fall of the American Empire will be printed on recycled paper.

We need more leaders like Will Brooke. This congressional candidate from Alabama is a Real American, judging from his latest campaign ad. Not only does he literally pump Obamacare full of sweet, hot lead, Brooke also does what Mitch McCoward should've done a long time ago, and puts the damn thing in the wood-chipper.

The best part: Watching all that non-recycled paper being shoved into the same contraption that crushed and maimed the recycling's woodland ancestors, and seeing those shredded bits spew out into the air like white smoke from an industrial reactor. God bless Will Brooke, and God bless the United States of America. There may be hope for us yet.


Published under: John Boehner, Parody, Satire, Tea Party