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Exclusive: Sofia Coppola’s Wonder Woman Script!

• July 8, 2013 4:26 pm

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Susan Wloszcyna’s essay, "Dear Hollywood: Hiring Women Directors Could Rescue the Superhero Movie. Love, Half the Human Race,"* has been getting a lot of buzz. I, for one, think her thesis (that more lady-directors should be directing comic book films) is a fine idea. No, seriously! I would pay at least $20 to watch a Silver Sable movie directed by Katherine Bigelow.

Kevin Glass, meanwhile, suggested a Sofia Coppola-helmed Wonder Woman film. I’d be a big supporter of such a project as I’m a huge fan of her work and think she has just the right sensibility for a new, modern twist on the character. Little did Kevin know, I actually have a secret Wonder Woman spec script by Coppola the Younger. Allow me to share with you the opening scenes.

INT. AMAZONIAN PALACE — DAY

Sunlight streams through the windows as Diana lounges on a couch, staring out into the distance. Her gaze settles on a pair of her fellow Amazonians, currently getting their hair done up. They chitter away, laughing in high-pitched, girlish tones. She sighs, and rolls to her back.

POV SHOT: The ceiling. It sparkles, light dancing off of crystal, throwing prisms onto marble columns. Hold on this for at least 120 seconds.

Diana: [audible sigh]

Diana rolls onto her side, face toward the back of the couch. She closes her eyes and dozes off.

CUT TO

EXT. AMAZONIAN GARDENS — NIGHT

Moonlight is accentuated by burning torches. For, like, 10 minutes, Diana strolls through the famed gardens of Amazon, stopping frequently to look at a fountain, a passing owl, a collection of flowers. She is filled with ennui. She bends down, wistfully smelling when

CUT TO

The girls from before, clearly inebriated. Their lilts have become horsey laughs, bleating, blaring noise, a vulgar disruption of the night. They stumble toward Diana, hushing as she approaches.

Diana: Don’t you … don’t you ever get tired of this?

Drunk Amazon One: Tired of what? It’s like, so pretty here!

Drunk Amazon Two: Oh, leave her alone. You know howsheis.

Drunk Amazon One: Yeah, ferserious.

Diana: [Frowning, biting lip] But don’t you want … you know. To do more?

CUT TO

INT. AMAZON PALACE – DAY

Diana, sitting upright, an atlas beside her and a globe in front of her, stares ahead. She sees the girls from before, clearly hungover—robes half-hanging off their bodies, hair tousled—shuffle by. Diana stands.

Diana: I’ve … I’ve got to go.

CUT TO

EXT. THE WORLD OF MAN – DAY

Diana steps into a bustling street. She towers over all but the tallest of the men.

The crowds pulse against her, bumping into her, jostling her. We show her being jostled, repeatedly, on several different streets from one angle (straight ahead, camera facing Diana). She’s a queen, she’s not used to this, to being touched, but … something about it is appealing.

The men and women of this world do not exist in a self-induced stupor. There is life here, vibrancy. Too much life, as it turns out.

CUT TO

A bedraggled man sprinting toward Diana. She does not see him coming. He slams into her and grabs the only thing of value she has: a bag containing a golden lasso. He rushes away.

Diana: Whoa, hey! That’s … That’s mine! Return it to Princess Diana immediately!

Bystanders, snickering: "Princess Diana? What is this, 1988?"

Diana: [Closes eyes.] Very well. The world of man will soon learn some manners. Just as soon as I find something to wear…

CUT TO

EXT. WORLD OF MAN – DAY

Diana strolls into a Forever 21. She is entranced by a pair of gold bracelets.

Diana: These will do nicely.

FADE OUT

The above sequence by itself was budgeted for $50 million. I can’t understand why Warners passed.

*Before we begin, we should note what an odd title this is. It presupposes that a.) the superhero movie needs "rescuing"; b.) that a lady-director would necessarily do a better job of it because, hey, lady-parts!; and c.) that half the human race (presumably the female half?) gives a crap about big budget superhero movies. But whatevs. (For those of you keeping score at home, Victor Morton gets credit for point c. You should follow him on Twitter if you enjoy reading about pop culture and politics 140 characters at a time.)

Published under: Movies, Parody