In the unlikely event that you should ever experience feelings of contentment with respect to your life, the people in it, and the world around you, there is an easy and effective way to disabuse yourself of this fantasy: Log on to social media.
In the much more likely event that you are already firmly lodged in the fleshy jowls of despair, and feverishly entertaining thoughts of deleting your accounts, forsaking all possessions, withdrawing from society, and seeking refuge in the wilderness, where you'll live off the land and even — if all else fails — befriend the likes of fellow forest dwellers James Comey and Hillary Clinton, the following (recent) social media headlines will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you would be making the right decision.
1.
Social Security and Medicare funds face insolvency, report finds. 50-year-olds may not get full retirement benefits. https://t.co/GG4cCZ9hr6
— Alan Rappeport (@arappeport) April 22, 2019
2.
https://twitter.com/lachlan/status/1120425646549864448
3.
BREAKING: Welp it's landed here in LA County. MEASLES. Health officials has confirmed that there are 5 reported cases in residents. One confirmed case is a UCLA student.
the CDC says "In the coming weeks, 2019 confirmed case numbers will likely surpass 2014 levels." @KPCC
— Alyssa Jeong Perry 정연지 (@alyssajperry) April 23, 2019
4.
https://twitter.com/rooshv/status/1118660555236085762
5.
This woman's side-hustle is snuggling. It's helping her pay off $35,000 in student loan debt. via @CNBCMakeIt https://t.co/LALscEdP5D
— CNBC (@CNBC) April 20, 2019
6.
'Earth," a song and short film by comedy rapper Lil Dicky, is all about climate change and butts. https://t.co/9mG2E37fRy
— Vox (@voxdotcom) April 20, 2019
7.
A Florida man choked to death in October after eating dozens of live cockroaches in a contest to win a python, an autopsy has found. https://t.co/OGqy2GaTB2 pic.twitter.com/BihV083V00
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) April 22, 2019
8.
Everyone Has A Fast Food Mascot Alter Ego — Here's Yours https://t.co/qHLqtyVPRa
— BuzzFeed (@BuzzFeed) April 22, 2019
9.
NEW: Volodymyr Zelenskiy, a comedian with no political experience who plays the president on TV, has won Ukraine’s presidential election in a landslide, according to a national exit poll. https://t.co/HBWpifVa6x pic.twitter.com/a1ALxEmNiu
— ABC News (@ABC) April 21, 2019
10.
These millennials are going on 'birth strike" because of climate change https://t.co/HHAdjuiQ2h
— Antinatalism (@AntinatalNews) April 15, 2019
11.
Woman claims burglars stole mom's ashes, peed on her bed https://t.co/G2ts3G06oK pic.twitter.com/g6uoHqp7Zi
— New York Post (@nypost) April 23, 2019
12.
13.
Giving Plants Legal Rights Could Help Save the Planet <3 #EarthDay #StopLine3 https://t.co/IGZmcgyqL0 via @TeenVogue
— Honor the Earth (@HonorTheEarth) April 22, 2019
14.
Bella and Gigi Hadid make books the hot new accessory of 2019 https://t.co/TR3gIo0Vrv pic.twitter.com/Zg3H5JQefU
— New York Post (@nypost) March 19, 2019
15.
George Zimmerman kicked off dating apps https://t.co/z4AudS1QTL pic.twitter.com/Yv6DuRTBJO
— The Hill (@thehill) April 20, 2019
16.
America’s new pastime?
Milking goats. https://t.co/d2qj0XVHJF
— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost) April 23, 2019
17.
Traveller sets up bizarre Instagram account that shows her 'dying' at tourist hotspots around the world https://t.co/prtqWshAej
— Daily Mail US (@DailyMail) April 23, 2019
18.
Unicorn Armpit Hair: The New Beauty Trend That Has Us Questioning The Internet https://t.co/u7lJ7ye9fG
— ashley johnson (@Jaxmolly1) April 16, 2019
19.
Texas restaurant closed for weekend due to laxatives on pizza, police say https://t.co/iWIPsG5o4L pic.twitter.com/VErIaBpWFF
— NBC Chicago (@nbcchicago) April 22, 2019
20.
Kanye West hosted a Coachella Easter service featuring $225 sweatshirts https://t.co/sJK5kpg4c4
— The Goods by Vox (@thegoods) April 22, 2019
21.
Children aged 11 are upskirting teachers, says union https://t.co/L6l9Ph1Lcl
— Sky News (@SkyNews) April 21, 2019
22.
"I bought a bunch of gas station boner pills and only made it through one." https://t.co/CF85XXAYTh pic.twitter.com/f0JSD8ZUyL
— VICE (@VICE) April 23, 2019
23.
Miley Cyrus Got Pink Hair and Went Topless for a 'Hoppy Easter' https://t.co/YUzwI7FSs2
— Marie Claire (@marieclaire) April 22, 2019
24.
https://twitter.com/kari_paul/status/1120371069984989184
25.
Mayor Pete would like Phish to play his presidential inauguration: https://t.co/jWEDXxlBOa pic.twitter.com/lLmXDfs8zO
— Consequence (@consequence) April 18, 2019