CHICAGO—Another night at the Democratic National Convention, another joyous affair. "DJ Cassidy" pumped out jams during the ceremonial roll call vote, which featured a guest appearance by the rapper Lil Jon, who led the Georgia delegation in chants of "from the Harris to the Walz." The United Center crowd was high on vibes, or something. Even John Edwards, the disgraced former VP candidate who cheated on his cancer-stricken wife during the 2008 campaign, felt comfortable enough to roam the halls and schmooze with delegates. Bill Clinton will address the convention on Wednesday.
An array of characters graced the stage on Tuesday. Bernie Sanders, the socialist senator, gave his standard speech about universal health care and the badness of billionaires. He outlined policy positions Kamala Harris once held during the 2020 primary but has since abandoned via vague statements from anonymous aides. The socialist was followed by Gov. J.B. Pritzker (D., Ill.), the Hyatt hotel scion, who bragged about being an "actual billionaire" while attacking Donald Trump. The billionaire was followed by Ken Chenault, the venture capitalist and former CEO of American Express, who droned on to a bored audience about the "market-based economy." (Take that, Bernie.)
Edwards wasn't the only cheating husband making moves. Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff, who admitted to "some tough times" in his first marriage after getting his nanny pregnant, spoke eloquently about how "Kamala became Mamala" to his children and joined forces with him and his ex-wife to form a "three-headed parenting monster." You had to be there, but it was very poignant. Emhoff's alternative model daughter, Ella, held up a "Doug" sign and exuded joy one night after she earned rave media reviews for wearing a camouflage hat.
Another political spouse, Michelle Obama, came out swinging against Trump. She assailed his "ugly, misogynistic, racist lies" before pivoting to "the contagious power of hope" and the need for change after four years under President Joe Biden. The former first lady, who enjoys a net worth approaching $100 million, urged Americans to be "suspicious of folks who took more than they needed." Mainstream journalists instantly rated it one of the most powerful convention speeches of all time. "THROW THE DAMN TOWEL, SHE'S DESTROYING YA BOY," wrote left-wing pundit Elie Mystal. "SHE'S GOING HIGH... RIGHT FOR THE JUGULAR."
Never one to allow himself to be upstaged by his wife or revel in the sound of his own voice, former president Barack Obama came out to close the night by reminding college educated white liberals of the time he sent thrills up their legs in 2008. Amidst the soaring rhetoric and compound adjectives, he cracked a carefully rehearsed joke about Trump's penis size. The crowd erupted with joy. "America is ready for a new chapter," he said, appearing to forget that Biden is still president. "America is ready for a better story. We are ready for a President Kamala Harris." It was the second most powerful convention speech in history, no doubt.