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Democrats in Congress are coping with Donald Trump's second/third election victory by holding a series of meetings to analyze the results and revise their messaging strategy. Ostensibly the goal is to help Democrats sound less insane to normal Americans. They're calling these gatherings "listening sessions," which suggests they're still a long way from sounding normal. They're also meeting with "researchers and activists" to study the interests of normal American men so they can try to win them back. It's pretty sad, but at least they're trying. Right?
You'll be delighted to known the Washington Free Beacon has exclusively and semi-legally obtained an audio recording of the Democratic Party's first post-election "listening session." The gathering took place on Monday, Nov. 11, in the Edward M. Kennedy Rumpus Room on Capitol Hill. Please enjoy the following partial transcript, which has been lightly edited for clarity and anonymized to protect the privacy of the participants.
DEM #1: Good morning, individuals with or without a penis or uterus who can or can't get pregnant, my name is Yolanda Glippman-Breadback. I am a non-BIPOC cisgendered heterosexual woman wearing white jeans and a navy blue blouse. My pronouns are she/they. I am a professionally certified emotional trauma consultant for the Soros-Gates-Jobs Initiative and a visiting professor of transphobia studies at the University of California, Riverside. I'm going to be leading today's listening session at the invitation of your talented leader, Hakeem Jeffries.
[Applause]
Thank you. Now I would like to start by reminding everyone that the full session will take place at noon. In order to celebrate the spirit of inclusion and to ensure the physical safety and mental well-being of the people gathered here today, this particular session will be limited to vulnerable individuals of diverse backgrounds. So I'd like to kindly ask the non-diverse individuals of colonialist heritage to make their way to the exit and collect an empathy binder and privilege worksheet on the way out.
DEM #2: Does gay count?
DEM #1: Are you white?
DEM #2: Yes, but I went to Harvard.
DEM #1: Please leave. OK, the individual raises a legitimate point. Let's have all the cisgendered heterosexual men exit the room as well.
[Applause]
OK, no one is getting up to leave. I wasn't joking, folks. You in the front row, let's go.
DEM #3: I'm a non-conforming asexual.
DEM #1: I see. How about this? Raise your hand if you know who won yesterday's American football game between the …
[Laughter]
Buffalo Bills and the Kansas City Chiefs. What the hell? Really? The Chiefs?
[Booing + hissing]
DEM #2: Oh, I know. Taylor Swift's boyfriend plays for them!
DEM #1: OK, settle down. I suppose that's our macabre segue to the land acknowledgment portion of the session. Let's bow our heads. We the individuals gathered here today believe that truth and acknowledgment are critical to building mutual respect and connection across all barriers of heritage and difference. We begin this effort to acknowledge what has been buried by honoring the truth. We stand on the ancestral lands of the Nacotchtank and the Piscataway Peoples. We pay respects to their elders past and present. We humble ourselves before the many legacies of violence, displacement, migration, and settlement that bring us together here today.
[Applause]
Thank you. Now, I know many of you were expecting a chant from an Indigenous shaman. Unfortunately, I was informed earlier today that Chief Hawk Strangler voted for Trump and will no longer be attending.
DEM #4: Can we talk about why we lost?
DEM #5: My constituents are worried about crime, unauthorized migration, and substance abuse disorder among the unhoused.
DEM #6: Actually, crime is down.
DEM #7: Yeah, look it up. Rachel Maddow analyzed the data on her show.
DEM #1: Thank you. One at a time, please. We're here to listen. Yes, the individual in the back. No, you in the pussy hat.
DEM #8: How do we discuss, like, issues like immigration that are, like, inherently and structurally fascist paradigms in a way that centers aspirational justice in the context of, like, anti-racist resistance to a justice system dedicated to advancing, like, the cause of white supremacy without, like, sacrificing the moral imperative of decolonization?
DEM #1: Great question.
[Applause]
DEM #9: What about transgender inclusion in sports? A lot of people are saying the trans ads killed us with uneducated voters, so we should stop talking about it.
DEM #10: Transphobia.
DEM #11: Transphobia.
[Booing + hissing]
DEM #9: What? No, shut up. I'm saying we should keep talking about it. We need to stop segregating sports by gender identity. It's just as bad as segregating based on race.
DEM #12: Yes, obviously, but how do we educate the people who refuse to be educated?
DEM #13: Put them in camps?
DEM #12: No, not camps per se. Just, like, mandatory seminars for individuals who didn't go to college. Bring in all the top experts from academia and journalism to explain why Trump's policies are going to literally kill them. Make them pass the course or else they can't register to vote.
[Applause]
DEM #1: Insightful observation, but I think it's time to move on. Who wants to talk about misogyny?