Fox Business is hosting another Republican primary debate tonight featuring all the major contenders and Jeb Bush. (Rand Paul got cut like a scrub.) The Iowa caucuses are less than three weeks from now, so the candidates are expected to spar aggressively (or not) in an effort to tear down their opponents. Either way, the ratings will be good because Trump. Here are a few predictions about what you can expect to see tonight:
- Donald Trump will somehow manage to avoid confronting a painful truth about his past—that he dabbled in a fundamentally un-American enterprise (soccer) as a nearly legal adult in high school.
- In an effort to compensate for his low energy persona, Jeb Bush will get a little too excited and literally fall off the edge of the stage, just as Trump predicted at the last debate. Trump is always right.
- Marco Rubio will make an atrociously corny joke about the media frenzy over his fancy leather boots, e.g.,
- "I can't wait to boot the Democrats from the White House next year."
- "I hope I don't spill this water on my new boots."
- "I thought this primary was supposed to be about the issues, not the his-shoes."
- "I'm not wearing my boots tonight but I'm still taller than Rand Paul. Where is he, by the way?" (Note: This would actually be a good joke that Rubio should make.)
- Candidates will be asked about their New Year's resolutions. Here's how they'll answer:
- Bush: "4 percent economic growth. [Fist pump]."
- Carson: "I just want to say, thank you to Fox Business and the Fox News family for hosting this debate. It is one of the most generous networks on the air these days, and they have a lot of great talent who, I imagine, are paid very well. Thank you."
- Christie: "I was a federal prosecutor after 9/11, so I know a thing or two about resolve. But seriously, the people at home don't want to listen to these garbage questions."
- Cruz: "The year was 1777. A daring general by the name of George Washington was making his New Year's Resolution. And that was to consolidate the gains secured by his improbable victory over Hessian forces stationed at Trenton, having braved unfathomable temperatures to cross the icy Delaware on Christmas in the dead of night. A young nation in peril. The might of the British empire bearing down. George Washington and his fellow patriots succeeded—against all odds—because they believed in the simple yet revolutionary notion that all men are created equal. Ladies and gentleman, our nation finds itself in peril right now. And we will only succeed if conservatives from Iowa, and every corner of this great land, stand as one to say 'no more.' No more of the legislative chicanery from the corrupt Washington cartel that shoved Obamacare down the throats of the American people. No more..."
- Kasich: "My father was a postman."
- Rubio: "Buy a less controversial pair of shoes. Ha. Ha."
- Trump: "Make. America. Great. Again. [Applause] No, seriously, that's it. I have billions, massive financials, and a beautiful wife who's very satisfied, by the way. My health is perfect, so, I'm going to win the election and this country—we don't win anymore, we just don't—and I'm going to make this country great again for everybody, even you Neil [Cavuto], because I think you've been very unfair to me tonight."
- A nation will turn its lonely eyes to Mitt.