I have to say, I'm always interested to see which rights the Supreme Court will read into existence by divining the entrails of the Constitution. After their succinct and excellent explanations it all becomes so clear: You're telling me that after their expert rulings you don't see a clear cut right to abortion and gay marriage in the language of our founding documents? Wow. I bet James Madison would like to have a word with you.
Anyway, given that the Supreme Court has an essentially unlimited ability to alter the nation as it sees fit, I have to wonder why we, the long-abused fans of popular culture, have not tried to use the court of last resort to reshape the world in ways that we want. In the future I envision, things will be much better.
ASOIAF Fans v. GRRM
In a surprise 7-2 ruling, the Supreme Court holds that the federal government can, in fact, compel George R. R. Martin to finish the Game of Thrones books in a more timely fashion. Elena Kagan writes the majority opinion, with separate dissents from Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Clarence Thomas.
From Kagan's majority opinion: "There is no doubt that Mr. Martin's books are, in fact, covered by the Commerce Clause: these books are written in one state, printed in another, and shipped around the nation for the enjoyment of all. The question is merely whether or not the federal government can use it to compel him to shut down his LiveJournal account and insist he focus on more meaningful work. The answer, clearly, is yes: there is much common good to be found in Mr. Martin's authoring of these novels. Jobs will be created and maintained while larger tax revenues will certainly be generated. No such economic benefit comes from his LiveJournaling. We agree in part with Neil Gaiman's amicus brief: George R. R. Martin is not your bitch. He is, however, the federal government's."
From Ginsburg's dissent: "The Notorious RBG obviously agrees that the court has the power to compel Mr. Martin to finish his work. The Notorious RBG, however, does not care for his writing. Too rapey."
From Thomas' dissent: "I can't believe I'm the one who has to point out that this is literal slavery."
Star Wars Originalists v. George Lucas
By a closer-than-expected 5-4 ruling, the Court holds that George Lucas is required to release the original cut of Star Wars: A New Hope. Anthony Kennedy writes for the majority, while Scalia penned a dissent joined by Sonia Sotomayor, Chief Justice John Roberts, and Samuel Alito.
From Kennedy's majority opinion: "The Declaration of Independence decrees that every American has the right to 'life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.' If that pursuit includes obtaining the original version of A New Hope, in which Han shot first, who is George Lucas to deny them?"
From Scalia's dissent: "Is this cotton-headed ninny muggins serious?"
NOW v. Buffalo Wild Wings
In a blow for women's equality, the National Organization of Women sued noted chicken dispensary and sports-watching venue Buffalo Wild Wings for failing to show enough women's sports on their televisions. In a 7-2 decision authored by Sotomayor, the court held that the government can compel a private business to show an equal number of men's and women's sports. Chief Justice Roberts wrote the dissent, which was joined by Scalia.
From Sotomayor's majority opinion: "As a public establishment, Buffalo Wild Wings is not allowed to discriminate on the basis of gender. And while it's true that the restaurant has not been shown to have turned female customers away overtly, it is obvious that the chain's decision to show men's sports predominantly creates a disparate impact adversely impacting women. Bee-Dubs must show not only an equal amount of men's and women's programming, it must show them on equal numbers of screens and screens of equal sizes. We recommend that Congress create a new regulatory body with unlimited powers to enforce this ruling."
From Roberts' dissent: "Look, obviously I want to fit in with my social class. But even I'm not going to pretend that anyone wants to watch the WNBA. C'mon. Let's be real here."