Previously on the Bachelorette: I was in Florida. But, by process of elimination, I have determined that Ben and Mikey were cut. At some point James and Mikey spoke offscreen about what they would do if they were able to escape, and James supposedly said he could become the next Bachelor, or go on a boat party in Chicago.
The Bachelorette has swept into Barcelona, which is denoted by the soundtrack's extra emphasis on Spanish guitar. (The Bachelorette always features dental office Spanish guitar. This is the music of amazing, magical love.)
"Barcelona brings out my emotional, artistic side," Dez informs us.
She also notes somewhere around here, "Barcelona just makes me want to fall in love." She's said this about pretty much everything she's experienced this season. I mean, what wouldn't make her want to fall in love? Paper towels? The Utah Jazz? The DMV?
Meanwhile, the gang is day drinking in a ridiculous table configuration. It looks like Model UN practice at my high school, if my high school had been a bar in Key West.
Tensions run high because of that aforementioned conversation that James may have had. If Dez doesn't pick James, he may go to a party that women will also attend at some point in the middle future. It's hard to believe such a dastardly fellow walks this earth.
Kasey (#hashtag guy) and Michael (THE FEDERAL PROSECUTOR, below) are bothered by this. They will never forget that James might have a friend with a boat in Chicago.
Anyway, Drew is selected for one of this week's two solo dates, which involves a carefully coordinated jaunt through a number of tourist traps in Barcelona.
Dez and Drew drink from La Rambla Drinking Fountain. This apparently ensures they will return to the city, which seems like something you'd have more agency over than a fountain, unless you're Taken, but hey, people do crazy things in foreign countries. (Side note: Check out that crowd up there to the right. A highlight in this week's episode is the glaring passerby. Barcelona really showed some chest hair in this regard.)
Dez and Drew continue onto dinner at a location that looks more or less like every other restaurant on the Bachelorette. This place might as well be in Los Angeles. Seriously.
They drink and drink and then Drew drags her out into the alley to make out. She responds by giving Drew the date rose. After that, he's safe to tattle on James's Chicago boat partyin' intentions.
Dez is delighted. I mean, it is like blood in the water, if blood in the water meant fireworks, Christmas lights, Coca-Cola, beers with a hint of lime, and chocolate. She just wants to hear all about it. Loves her some deceit.
Back at the hotel, adults are fighting over whether James might have ulterior motives in appearing on a reality television show.
Dez takes all the guys to play soccer in an empty stadium. Then a pro women's team shows up and kicks everybody's ass at half-speed. I'd say it was a victory for women, but there are no winners here.
After soccer, the entire group goes to drink wherever Dez is staying.
"We're going to my room, I need to show you my room," Dez immediately tells Chris (don't worry—just to read him a poem she wrote). After that she makes out with Brooks in a really awkward position. Meanwhile, Michael and Kasey elect to confront James about his boating intentions. Is it a yacht or like a cigarette boat or what? We'll never know.
Here are some actual things said by James and Michael during and about this argument, as Kasey glares at James:
- "You haven't even been on a one-on-one date." (James)
- "I'M GONNA BE ME." (James)
- "His other side is going to be exposed." (Michael)
- "Oh yeah. You have a boat? Yeah. Let's hang out in Chicago. Be cool." (James, riffing)
- "Shhh." (Poor Chris, who looks like he accidentally sat down in the wrong room.)
For posterity:
After this showcase for the American male, Dez confronts James about his nautical festivities. "It's the best date I've ever been on," James says of their trip to tour Hurricane Sandy devastated New Jersey.
On deck, the second solo date with Zak.
They indulge Desiree's emotional, artistic side by taking an art class with this lady who, oddly enough, is just pumped to have the Bachelorette in her studio.
Zak does a pretty great job! Notably, we do not see Desiree's emotional, artistic portrayal of the main character from Germinal up there. Zak does not do as well with his portrait of her:
Then, of course, there's a naked guy for some Wacky Hijinks. I'll spare you.
Zak (who seems like a good dude) and Dez have a conversation exclusively in adjectives. There are basically no stories of home or friends or growing up, no discussions of ideas, or movies, or Spain, or wine. Humankind distilled, I guess.
Back at hacienda hopeless, Drew takes a crack at confronting James for having the #wrongreasons.
Unfortunately for James, he actually has a valid point (this is stupid), but just can't quite articulate the artificial sincerity of the whole thing.
The next morning, everyone is still worked up about this, as if James is already on a boat, partying (festooned with women!). Michael, a federal prosecutor, describes James as "evil" and "sinister."
Brooks and Juan Pablo, as you can see, are all right. James is actually out trying to save himself.
Later that day, it's rose ceremony time. Desiree dresses up like Catherine Zeta Jones in the Zorro movies even if she's Welsh and Zorro is set in Mexico. She also actually says this:
Sadly, she chooses incorrectly.
She's going to regret booting Juan Pablo. I mean, that guy didn't care at all, he was funny, he seemed nice, and it was great. Anyway, as they say, "LET'S HANG OUT IN CHICAGO."
