What did we learn in last night’s chapter of What Would Ryan Lochte Do? We learned that while Ryan may share the abdominal muscles of Greek gods of yore, he also worships at the existentialist temple of Jean-Paul Sartre.
A true student of "Existence Precedes Essence" would don this shirt to go zip-lining with this week’s crush and fellow Olympian Chantae McMillan.
Only Ryan Lochte would be able to swag out in a "Yes It’s Me" shirt. To Ryan, the shirt is not some pinnacle of celebrity narcissism. It’s a clear and succinct message that only Ryan Lochte can define who Ryan Lochte is.
Ryan is criticized for his sophomoric behavior, yet he readily acknowledges he’s a donkey. He lives a fair and just life, fully comfortable with being nigh-30 yet pregaming with Ciroc and Sprite while choosing songs from YouTube to dance to in his house. While I personally outgrew that style of pregaming when I was 21—I swear—for Lochte "turnt up" is the essence he chooses after existence.
Ryan doesn’t limit his existentialism to the "Lochtetourage," however. He shares his knowledge through his Twitter account.
True committed forever love is the ability to love the imperfections
— Ryan Lochte (@ryanlochte) March 27, 2013
Can't change the past so u gotta keep it in the light till it goes dark then make it pitch black
— Ryan Lochte (@ryanlochte) November 29, 2012
Aside from his romantic overtures to Chantae, this week’s #WWRLD featured Ryan trying to gift those abs of legend to his favorite watering hole. 101 Downtown is the poshest spot in all of Gainesville. So obviously all it's missing is a bust of Ryan Lochete’s abs (with accompanying molded nipples).
Ryan acknowledges he’s been bestowed the honor of "Sexiest Man Alive." For Ryan, though, being the Sexist Man Alive isn’t just some title given by People Magazine. It's another part of the essence of Lochte's existence.
To which Camus would say: "Jeah!"