EXCLUSIVE: Krystal Ball’s High School Book Reports

It was with some amusement yesterday that I saw Krystal Ball had doubled down on her effort to recast Animal Farm as a story of evil capitalists disrupting a socialist paradise, or something. It’s all the more amusing because George Orwell was actually a socialist; as my colleague CJ Ciaramella has noted, there are plenty of his books she could have chosen from if she wanted to make a point about the evils of inequality and not look like a complete spaz.

I was curious to see if Ball had a history of horribly misreading the messages of novels she had been assigned, so I reached out to her high school English teacher, Mrs. Falschlehrer.* When I asked if Ball had frequently missed the point in her honors English class, Mrs. Falschlehrer laughed and laughed. Apparently her essays are the stuff of legend among the faculty. I asked Mrs. Falschlehrer to pass along some of Ball’s work, and though she demurred at first citing student confidentiality, she eventually relented. “If it keeps one solitary student from looking like a complete idiot on national TV one day, it’ll be worth it,” she told me in an email.**

Included below are the opening paragraphs from a few of Ball’s greatest hits. I think we can all agree that her horrible misinterpretation of Animal Farm is the least of her errors.

Krystal Ball: American Gladiator (GIFs)

MSNBC’s “The Cycle” has been a stepping stone for its hosts. Despite being only 17 months old, MSNBC’s extremely pale imitation of FNC’s “The Five” has had to replace two of its hosts. It’s only a matter of time, I think, before another host departs for greater things.

Following Steve Kornacki’s banishment to weekends and S.E. Cupp’s move to CNN, I would like to predict that soon Krystall Ball’s phone will be ringing. On the other end of the line: The producers of “American Gladiators.” Ball ran an obstacle course last weekend. And she dominated.

Krystal won’t let gender or physical barriers get in her way. And check out those socks.