The Upside of Communism: Hunger!

Hi everybody! Today we're going to learn how to lose weight the easy way: by horrifying political repression!

Feeling a bit flabby? Worried about that spare tire you're carrying around? Stuck with 10 stubborn pounds you simply can't shed? Good news, everyone! We've discovered a surefire weight-loss recipe: communism!

As would-be British pol James Cracknell recently noted on the Beeb, only two countries in the whole wide world have "a handle on obesity": Cuba and North Korea!

Some would say that Cracknell's comments are shockingly tone deaf and deeply irresponsible, suggesting, as he is, that the west would do well to emulate brutally repressive dictatorships in order to get the disgustingly fat plebes soiling his view into better-fitting clothes. Not Cosmopolitan, which, a few years back, published this delightful guide to dropping the ell-bees via heartless tyranny:

Between 1990 and 1995, thanks to the collapse of the Soviet Union, Cuban people were forced to alter their entire lifestyles. They couldn't afford petrol, so the government provided them with bicycles. People started walking everywhere. Food was also in shorter supply – there were no supermarket aisles stuffed with junk food or wallets stuffed with money with which to buy it.

In short, Cubans could no longer afford to be fat. In that five-year period, they lost an average of around five kilos per person, which is over 11lbs. As a result of people getting slimmer, they also started living longer, with fewer Cubans dying of diabetes and heart disease.

By utilizing this One Simple Trick—radically reducing the quality of life of the people trapped on your island nation and ruled over by a family of sadistic monsters—you too could lose OVER ELEVEN POUNDS! Unfortunately, it's not a short term fix; you need a real commitment to immiseration to ensure that this whole thing works:

All of which is fantastic – except it didn't last. When the crisis ended, people started eating more and moving less and putting all that weight back on until, in the mid 2000s, they were right back where they started.

So sad. So very very sad. Ah well; if the Cuban Diet doesn't work for you, Cosmo has another suggestion for burning calories:

Cosmopolitan magazine is under fire Tuesday after it published a story on its website with a headline suggesting a cancer diagnosis was a good way to lose weight.

The story headline, "How This Woman Lost 44 Pounds Without *ANY* Exercise," had the lighthearted tone of a piece dealing with healthy eating tips or calorie-counting shortcuts, but instead profiled a woman whose body image improved after she went through a series of health scares.

Cancer, communism; po-tay-to, po-tah-to. Either way's your window to weight loss!