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Predictions for Tonight's GOP Debate

AP
November 10, 2015

Republican presidential candidates will take part in another debate tonight on the Fox Business Channel. Are you excited? You shouldn't be, really. But it might be mildly entertaining. Here are some predictions for what to expect:

  • No one candidate will have a breakthrough performance, prompting Rick Santorum to seriously consider a late entry into the race.
  • Donald Trump will denounce Hitler, but stop short of pledging to travel back in time to murder the Nazi dictator as a baby, because doing so would give up the "leverage" and business opportunity that an invention like time travel would present, and as a "pro-life" business expert who has massive financials, we're talking billions, he knows how to capitalize and make deals. Why not auction off the chance to kill baby Hitler? Or, better yet, a reality show? You don't just give a way all your leverage, that's what stupid politicians in Washington do.
  • Candidates will be asked, by show of hands, if they have ever assaulted, or thought about assaulting, their own mother.
  • Over the course of the debate, Jeb Bush will fall far enough in the polls to be eliminated from the final round of questions, a la Jeopardy.
  • After watching his former competitors make a series of gaffes on stage, Rand Paul will regret his decision to drop out of the race.
  • Carly Fiorina will deliver an intentionally lousy performance in an effort to get demoted back to the undercard debate.
  • Candidates will be asked to name one thing they are thankful for as they prepare to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. Here's how they'll (probably) answer:
    • Jeb Bush: "Well, this is just another example of how the mainstream media is doing the bidding of Hillary Clinton [pause for expected applause, which never arrives]. Why can't we talk about the issues that people actually care about [another pause]? I just want to back up for a second because I don't think Senator Rubio answered my question. Will you resign? Yes or no? It's a pretty simple question. When I was governor I cut taxes and met challenges head on with innovative solutions."
    • Ben Carson: "God."
    • Ted Cruz: "Some centuries ago, a group of extraordinary men, sleepless and exhausted, drained—of blood, of sweat—their formidable intellects still raging after months of strife and conflict, having endured one of history's most consequential debates, these men—and I would not hesitate for a moment to call them heroes—signed their names to a piece of paper that would supply the bedrock on which our great nation—the greatest known to man—was crafted, born first of an idea, then forcefully secured through strength of arms and exceptional courage, preserved in ink and parchment, a foundation of undying principles and God given rights—a Constitution of the United States—for which I will be forever thankful, and in giving thanks that our founding document endures, I must concede, our Constitution is, and has been for some time, under assault; the passage of Obamacare..."
    • Carly Fiorina: "Pass."
    • John Kasich: "That I'm the only sane person on this stage tonight. Vote for me."
    • Rand Paul: "I'll be thankful when this campaign is finally over. Oh, this is live? Shit."
    • Marco Rubio: "That one's easy. The American Dream. My parents came to this country many years ago in pursuit of that dream, but now, for millions of Americans, it's slipping away. The time to act is now. We can't afford another four years like the last eight years. That's why I'm running for president, and I approved this message."
    • Donald Trump: "Well let me tell you I've very, very thankful for the Bible, more than anyone else in fact. I've been tremendously successful, and I'm thankful, but there's really nobody to thank because I earned it. I've worked very hard and made massive deals—I am very, very rich—and I get the best ratings. You're the ones who should be thankful that I'm here tonight."