No One Wants to Hear About Your Woke Elementary-Schooler

elementary students

Draw a picture of Trump getting impeached or you're grounded.

The Atlantic writer Peter Beinart sent out a Very Serious Tweet on Friday in response to the white supremacist violence in Charlottesville, Va.

This particularly annoying bit of commentary is part of a meme you may have heard of called the "woke eight-year-old" (in this case, nine-year-old). It was met with the best of Twitter: withering sarcasm and loathing for nauseating sanctimony.

The phenomenon came to my attention via @Neontaster, who discovered this trend of eight-year-olds (or children of a similar age, depending on their Woke Quotients) whose opinions, shockingly, seem to perfectly mirror those of their progressive parents. Here are some more examples.

Bragging about how precociously progressive my child is, AND getting my own smoking take out there? Double victory!

Let's state the obvious: When pundits tweet out these little stories, all they're doing is sending out THEIR opinions, but doing so in a way that a) makes them look like great parents for raising such emotionally advanced children and b) shields them from criticism. Because what kind of jerk is going to attack a CHILD, for God's sake?

"How could you be for an Obamacare repeal? My sweet little Charlotte thinks the expansion of Medicaid has saved lives and we simply need to bolster the exchanges."

"How could you back Trump's travel ban? My precious little Aiden feels that our refugee vetting procedures are sufficiently vigorous."

"How dare Mitch McConnell silence Elizabeth Warren? My darling little Daenerys furrowed her brow while she was watching that clip on Don Lemon and said, "I shall persist against the patriarchy."

As my colleague Alex Griswold pointed out, these parents sure wouldn't tweet out their kid's opinion if he was a sickening reactionary.

So please, just stop doing this. If you're the kind of parent that exposes elementary-schoolers to the drudgery of Washington debates, that's certainly your right. But don't use your child as a social media shield to promote your own hot takes. It's the worst.