Satire

Countdown to Kamala: Joe Biden Celebrates 78th Birthday

Mediocre plastic surgery can't stop the hands of time

Joe Biden turns 78 today, as Kamala Harris inches ever closer to becoming the first member of Willie Brown's extensive stable of former lovers to become president of the United States.

Biden, who still has a chance of being sworn in as (nominal) president in January, is by far the oldest individual to win a presidential election. That was fairly obvious to anyone who watched him struggle to maintain an acceptable approximation of mental coherence and physical alertness on the campaign trail.

The former VP attempted to compensate for his lack of cognitive fortitude by (apparently) visiting a plastic surgeon's office. Medical experts believe "there's no question" Biden had a facelift procedure prior to launching his 2020 campaign. Additional analysis suggests Botox injections might have been involved as well. Biden's affinity for hair plugs is well documented.

President Donald J. Trump, who appears to have lost reelection despite his undisputed superiority in terms of stamina and intellect, occasionally poked fun at Biden for hiding his doctors' work behind a large protective mask. "I mean, honestly, what the hell did he spend all that money on the plastic surgery [for] if he is going to cover it up?" Trump said during a campaign rally in September.

Even if Biden manages to take the oath of office in January, few expect his role as "president" to involve anything more than the symbolic duties typically associated with figureheads or first ladies. For this very reason, some Biden advisers argued against the selection of Kamala Harris as a running mate, given her reputation as a ruthlessly ambitious politician who will do anything to obtain power.

Harris, who is set to make history as the second person of color to become vice president, would be a historic president as well. Her husband, Doug Emhoff, would become the only man to ever hold the title of First Lady.

Biden shares a birthday with several notable Americans, including Eagles guitarist Joe Walsh, Hollywood heartthrob Bo Derek, and Robert Byrd, the late Democratic senator and "exalted cyclops" of the Ku Klux Klan who would have turned 103 today.