Satire

Baseball Is Back! Here’s Why Your Favorite MLB Team Is Racist

Baseball is back, baby! And so is America's favorite pastime: racism. Now that Major League Baseball teams are taking the field again, it's probably a good time to learn why your favorite one is racist.

The Washington Nationals, beloved by political journalists and corporate lobbyists, are a racist abomination. That goes without saying. There's something rotten about our nation's capital. Its NFL team was recently canceled for being too racist, and its NHL team is captained by a dirty Russian.

What about the other MLB teams? As it turns out, most of them are racist. Here's why:

Los Angeles Angels — Angels aren't real, but structural racism is.

Houston Astros — City named for a racist who supported Andrew Jackson. The first astronauts were white. Cheating is a form of racism.

Oakland Athletics — The team shares a mascot (an elephant) with the Republican Party. They might as well call themselves the Oakland Hitlers.

Toronto Blue Jays — The Canadian prime minister has a blackface obsession.

Atlanta Braves — Duh.

Milwaukee Brewers — We get it, they brew beer. Guess who likes beer? Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, a Donald Trump appointee.

Chicago Cubs — Why isn't Sammy Sosa black anymore? Probably because he played for a profoundly racist organization.

Arizona Diamondbacks — Named after a type of snake. Racists attacked Elizabeth Warren, a woman of color, for acting like a "snake" when she refused to endorse Bernie Sanders.

San Francisco Giants — Nobody hated Barry Bonds until he played for the Giants. Hmm, wonder why?

Cleveland Indians — Duh.

Seattle Mariners — The team's mascot, a moose, resides in predominantly white areas of the country and the world.

New York Mets — Washington Free Beacon editor Brent Scher is an enthusiastic Mets fan. Enough said.

Washington Nationals — Closely linked to slavery and Nazism.

San Diego Padres — Cultural appropriation at its worst, and a glorification of the Catholic monarchs who funded the genocidal ambitions of Christopher Columbus.

Philadelphia Phillies — Everything about Philadelphia is terrible and racist.

Pittsburgh Pirates — Of course the "pirate" on their jerseys is white, even though the most notorious modern-day pirates are from Somalia. (Having a black pirate would also be racist.)

Texas Rangers — According to the Washington Post, "the team's name is not so far off from being called the Texas Klansmen." Chuck Norris is a Republican.

Cincinnati Reds — Sounds an awful lot like "Redskins," doesn't it?

Boston Red Sox — Ibid.

Kansas City Royals — The British Royal Family. The British Empire. Colonialism wasn't cool, folks. It was very racist.

Minnesota Twins — Do cops like baseball? Thought so. Abolish them.

Chicago White Sox — Was "White Supremacy" taken?

New York Yankees — Gross.