Baseball is back, baby! And so is America's favorite pastime: racism. Now that Major League Baseball teams are taking the field again, it's probably a good time to learn why your favorite one is racist.
The Washington Nationals, beloved by political journalists and corporate lobbyists, are a racist abomination. That goes without saying. There's something rotten about our nation's capital. Its NFL team was recently canceled for being too racist, and its NHL team is captained by a dirty Russian.
Recent Stories in Satire
What about the other MLB teams? As it turns out, most of them are racist. Here's why:
Los Angeles Angels — Angels aren't real, but structural racism is.
Houston Astros — City named for a racist who supported Andrew Jackson. The first astronauts were white. Cheating is a form of racism.
Oakland Athletics — The team shares a mascot (an elephant) with the Republican Party. They might as well call themselves the Oakland Hitlers.
Toronto Blue Jays — The Canadian prime minister has a blackface obsession.
Atlanta Braves — Duh.
Milwaukee Brewers — We get it, they brew beer. Guess who likes beer? Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, a Donald Trump appointee.
Chicago Cubs — Why isn't Sammy Sosa black anymore? Probably because he played for a profoundly racist organization.
Arizona Diamondbacks — Named after a type of snake. Racists attacked Elizabeth Warren, a woman of color, for acting like a "snake" when she refused to endorse Bernie Sanders.
San Francisco Giants — Nobody hated Barry Bonds until he played for the Giants. Hmm, wonder why?
Cleveland Indians — Duh.
Seattle Mariners — The team's mascot, a moose, resides in predominantly white areas of the country and the world.
New York Mets — Washington Free Beacon editor Brent Scher is an enthusiastic Mets fan. Enough said.
Washington Nationals — Closely linked to slavery and Nazism.
San Diego Padres — Cultural appropriation at its worst, and a glorification of the Catholic monarchs who funded the genocidal ambitions of Christopher Columbus.
Philadelphia Phillies — Everything about Philadelphia is terrible and racist.
Pittsburgh Pirates — Of course the "pirate" on their jerseys is white, even though the most notorious modern-day pirates are from Somalia. (Having a black pirate would also be racist.)
Texas Rangers — According to the Washington Post, "the team's name is not so far off from being called the Texas Klansmen." Chuck Norris is a Republican.
Cincinnati Reds — Sounds an awful lot like "Redskins," doesn't it?
Boston Red Sox — Ibid.
Kansas City Royals — The British Royal Family. The British Empire. Colonialism wasn't cool, folks. It was very racist.
Minnesota Twins — Do cops like baseball? Thought so. Abolish them.
Chicago White Sox — Was "White Supremacy" taken?
New York Yankees — Gross.