The Washington Free Beacon has obtained* the transcript of a conversation that took place sometime over the weekend between U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry and ousted Ukrainian president Victor Yanukovich:
(BEGIN TRANSCRIPT)
VICTOR YANUKOVICH: Allo?
JOHN KERRY: Pryvit, Yanuk! John Kerry here, calling on behalf of America. Hello!
YANUKOVICH: Where is Mister Joe today?
KERRY: The vice president had his telephone privileges revoked. I’m calling—
YANUKOVICH: What? Again?
KERRY: I’m afraid so.
(PAUSE)
YANUKOVICH: Do you mind if I record this conversation?
KERRY: No, of course not. I won’t protest, if you know what I'm saying.
(LAUGHTER)
KERRY: Sorry to hear about your house, by the way.
YANUKOVICH: Yeah, it’s not—
KERRY: Mine is pretty big, too. I married a Ketchup baroness.
YANUKOVICH: Nice.
KERRY: Yeah.
(PAUSE)
YANUKOVICH: How are your investments?
KERRY: Not bad. I’m short the UX.
YANUKOVICH: Same.
(LAUGHTER)
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: Hello?! Who is this?!
KERRY: Hello? This is John Kerry.
YANUKOVICH: What’s going on?
KERRY: Chuck? Chuck, is that you?
(CROSSTALK)
YANUKOVICH: Who is that? Why did you call me John? Are you really sorry about the house?
UNIDENTIFIED: John! They’re making me call Lebedev again. I’ve been dialing random numbers for the past 20 minutes. What am I supposed to say if he picks up?!
(CROSSTALK)
KERRY: Where’s Valerie? Put Valerie on the phone.
YANUKOVICH: Should I call back later?
HAGEL: [incomprehensible] microagression, you know? Not what he said, but the way he said it. This guy is a real bully, John. What do I do?
KERRY: Lebedev? Yeah, I can see that. He’s not even that rich.
(CROSSTALK)
HAGEL: Remember that movie, Thirteen Days?
KERRY: Chuck.
HAGEL: They made a secret deal with the missiles.
KERRY: Uh huh.
HAGEL: Ok, so I was thinking—
KERRY: Chuck.
HAGEL: Hold on. Hear me out. It’s called "backchanneling."
(CROSSTALK)
YANUKOVICH: What kind of missiles?
(END TRANSCRIPT)
*Not really.