Joseph Campbell’s monomyth has the following structure: a reluctant hero sets out on a fantastic journey where he endures trials and tribulations in order to claim victory over a malevolent foe. "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" is the E Network’s very own monomyth.
In this week’s journey from Gainesville to Los Angeles, our hero faced his first existential crisis. Does Ryan answer the beckoning call of a post-swimming career designing neon pink New Balances in the City of Angels? Or does he remain Lord of Gainesville, spending his golden years zip-lining with the "Lochterage" and sampling every type of sushi at Dragonfly with UF undergrads? Ryan credits his coaches and photographers for his aptitude in the pool and at photo shoots. But, to Ryan's dismay, there is no life coach on the Lochterage payroll. Where does our hero belong on this big, beautiful, blue Earth?
Ryan and Gene venture to LA for a litany of meetings and media appearances, including two prestigious ceremonies. First Ryan is named as a finalist for Cartoon Network’s "That’s How I Roll" award, which apparently recognizes the year’s biggest show boat. True to his champion pedigree, Ryan wins the award, beating out such competition as Steeler defensive lineman Brett Keisel and Serena Williams.
Second, Ryan joins fellow winners-at-life Rosie O’Donnell and Betty White in having a hot dog named after him. Ryan’s backstroke records may fade, but the "Lochte Dog" will endure through time:
Another thing that remains timeless is Ryan’s enduring crush on "Baywatch" star Carmen Electra, as it’s still 1997 in Gainesville and NBC airs "Baywatch" in primetime (that’s why "1600 Penn" got canceled!). True to his mantle as "Ryan’s BFF Assistant," Gene made Ryan’s dream of meeting the Aerobic Stripper come true.
Electra’s beauty renders our hero speechless, but because Ryan Lochte is a champion, he composes himself long enough to accept Electra's invitation to a nightcap. Even an experienced man-eater such as Electra succumbs to the "Lochte charm," as our hero returns home the conquering hero, becoming Eskimo brothers with Hermit Kingdom emissary Dennis Rodman.
Ryan’s charmed night with Carmen appears to have allayed his doubts about leaving home for the first time in 28 years. His quest for love soldiers on, as he searches for authenticity not in shameless models or Playmates, but in the indelible Carmen Electra.