SHE SHALL PERSIST: Here's How Hillary Clinton Will Become President In 2017

Hillary Clinton
May 22, 2017

Donald Trump's impeachment is imminent, and the majority of his cabinet is implicated in his treason. Hillary Clinton was supposed to be our president in 2017. It was her turn. She won the popular vote, but lost the rigged election because of Russia. Fortunately, there's a good chance that Hillary will be sworn in as president before the end of the year.

Straightforward from here:

  1. House Judiciary Committee approves articles of impeachment against President Donald J. Trump.
  2. House of Representatives votes to impeach the president. (Vote succeeds on second attempt, after initial vote is derailed by House Freedom Caucus demands of $10 billion in spending cuts for every article of impeachment.)
  3. Secret Senate Subcommittee on Water Safety, Space Militarization and High Treason (SSSWSSMHT) convenes at the top of the Washington Monument to review findings of the FBI investigation.
  4. Paul Ryan doesn't show up to his 6 a.m. P90X class. Search parties deployed.
  5. The SSSWSSMHT issues a fiat justitia proclamation, thereby affirming the articles of impeachment and declaring Donald J. Trump an enemy of the state. A tea crate containing the proclamation is ceremoniously dumped into the Potomac River.
  6. Sen. Susan Collins performs a citizen's arrest of former Rep. Jason Chaffetz after his alleged "foot surgery" is revealed to have been an elaborate ruse to assassinate former FBI Director James Comey with a bionic foot-approximating IED personally designed by ISIS founder Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.
  7. Paul Ryan still missing. Mitt Romney elected Speaker of the House by unanimous vote.
  8. Trump apprehended by SEAL Team Six while attempting to enter the Russian consulate in Washington.
  10. Melania Trump files for divorce.
  11. Vice President Mike Pence detained by Senate chaplain after being indicted by classified military tribunal aboard the USS Gerald R. Ford.
  12. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts and his private guard of Freemason mercenaries escort Trump and Pence to a holding cell at Joint Base Andrews where they await transfer to a CIA black site in Poland.
  13. Mitt Romney sworn in as the 46th President of the United States. U.S. stock markets post double digit gains in next day's trading session. ISIS surrenders unconditionally. North Korea and Iran agree to unilaterally dismantle their nuclear weapons programs.
  14. Russian President Vladimir Putin arrested in INTERPOL sting operation and granted immunity in exchange for his testimony against Trump.
  15. Attorney General Jeff Sessions and White House advisor Steve Bannon arrested by NATO police force and incarcerated in Global Jail.
  16. President Romney resigns after 12 days in office after federal investigators uncover his ties to the Latter Day Soljas, a Mormon organized crime network suspected of laundering money for FSB shell corporations in the United States.
  17. Senate president pro tempore Orrin Hatch sworn in as 47th President of the United States.
  18. Fugitive Paul Ryan is captured in Texas during Operation Jade Helm II after a joint strike force of North American Union troops raids Alex Jones' fortified compound. Jones escapes and remains at large.
  19. Hillary Clinton is paid $650,000 to deliver the keynote address at the Association of Insurance Compliance Professionals annual conference in Seattle.
  20. Deadspin publishes an unauthorized copy of the video mentioned in the Steele dossier purporting to show Donald Trump engaging in a very unusual situation with Russian prostitutes at the Ritz-Carlton in Moscow. The majority of the 55-minute video involves an extended argument over the bill.
  21. Anthony Weiner escapes from federal prison.
  22. President Hatch flees the country after a New York Times investigation uncovers evidence implicating him as a key player in the Latter Day Soljas criminal empire. Hatch resurfaces days later in the Donetsk People's Republic, where he is granted asylum.
  23. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson sworn in as 48th President of the United States.
  24. Melania Trump and Breitbart News editor Matthew Boyle are wed in a private ceremony in the bride's hometown of Novo Mesto, Slovenia.
  25. Fugitive Anthony Weiner, aka "Octavius Thunderdong," is arrested again after exchanging lewd Snap Chat messages with an undercover FBI agent posing as Chelsea Manning.
  26. Donald Trump goes missing from the Polish dungeon.
  27. In a statement released by his attorney, Mike Pence says Trump escaped by using aggressive negotiating tactics on the guards, and insists "it wasn't a magic trick, or anything like that."
  28. In an extended tweetstorm the following day, the former president explains that he definitely did escape using magic. Trump says that after drawing upon the sacred powers acquired via the Orb of Destiny on his trip to Riyadh, and reading Gorilla Mindset by Mike Cernovich during his time in prison, he has achieved "galactic intellect" and "conquered the paradox of transdementional navigation [sic]." He describes being treated "very fairly and honorably" by the "true media" on Earth 47B where he reigns as king. He wishes Matt and Melania the best of luck in their future endeavors.
  29. Mike Pence misses his friend, but feels a little annoyed that Trump didn't share with him these newly acquired cosmic powers.
  30. President Tillerson invokes Article X-9 of the "hidden constitution" and calls for a new presidential election.
  31. Independent candidate Bernie Sanders wins the Electoral College in a three-way race against Democrat Hillary Clinton and Republican Alex Jones, running in absentia.
  32. After delivering his victory speech to the nation, Sanders is immediately apprehended by Saudi special forces and members of the Moroccan Royal Guard, who chant "We're with her!" in Arabic while carrying Sanders away in a duffle bag and heaving his limp body into a black "Scooby van."
  33. Hillary Clinton installed as 49th President of the United States.
  34. In her first act as chief executive, President Clinton preemptively pardons everyone implicated in the Pizzagate scandal.
  35. Members of the Trump family sue Deadspin for publishing the scandalous tape and are subsequently awarded $1.2 billion in punitive damages via summary judgment.
  36. We did it!