This week on the Substandard we talked about War for the Planet of the Apes after JVL got done yelling about Tesla. Man, he hates Tesla. I mean, REALLY hates Tesla. I can't wait for him to be forced to buy one by President Zuckerberg and Secretary of Cool Cars Musk!
Anyway, after the podcast (review/subscribe here!), I thought we should rank the Planet of the Apes movies. THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM.
10. Battle for the Planet of the Apes
I'm not even going to bother finding an image for this crap.
9. Conquest of the Planet of the Apes
The only thing I really remember about this movie is that they had to burn all the cats and dogs because of a disease or something, so then they had apes as pets? I dunno, man, seems like a bad call.
8. Planet of the Apes (2001)
oh fuck right off
7. Beneath the Planet of the Apes
The weird thing about this movie is that the apes aren't even close to the most memorable thing about it. It's the weirdo mutants worshipping the a-bomb. The first movie should've been called Above the Caves of the Weirdo Mutants imo.
6. Escape from the Planet of the Apes
For some reason this 1971 movie—about apes from the first two films who traveled back in time to our then-present—played on a loop on HBO or Disney or something when I was a kid. It was not only my introduction to the Apes series (pretty sure I saw this movie before the Heston original) but also my introduction to sweet-ass 1970s fashions. Those apes knew how to dress!
5. Rise of the Planet of the Apes
I swear, I can barely remember what happened in this movie. Something about dementia and a virus that made apes smart. I dunno, it had James Franco in it, so it must have been good.
4. War for the Planet of the Apes
smile once in a while caesar jfc
3. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
This is a movie in which an ape rides a horse while firing a machine gun in both of his hands. 17/10, would watch again.
2. Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want to Get Off!
Oh my God!
I was wrong.
It was Earth
All along!
1. Planet of the Apes (1968)
It closes on one of the most quoted shots of all time and it features Charlton Heston yelling at men in monkey suits. What more could you want?