NYC Pizza Fest Debacle Proves Yet Again that Sbarro Is Tops

Image via Flickr user Nate McBean

LOL New York City:

Hungry pizza lovers, some of whom spent $75 each to attend the New York City Pizza Festival, are demanding refunds for what they're calling a "total scam" that had them waiting over an hour to enter a "shady parking lot" for empty tents and barely any food. And there's a familiar name attached to Saturday's widely panned event: the organizer is allegedly one Ishmael Osekre, the man behind last summer's "EPIC DISASTER" African Food Festival. …

"We came up all the way from DC and all we got was this slice," attendee Chip Shannon said.

Look, I hate to be a told-you-so sort of guy—really, it's not how I get my jollies at all—but everyone who got scammed by this horror show kinda-sorta had it coming. Because when it comes to New York City pizza, there's really only one choice:

Image via Flickr user Friscocali

That's right: When you're in New York City, and you're craving a slice of pie, there's really just one place to get a steaming hot slice of cheese and dough and sauce and pepperoni. The one, the only: Sbarro. But don't take my word for it! Take the word of this famous celebrity!

Now look: I know that you may be confused by this advice, since you've grown up surrounded by Sbarros. "Could it possibly be the case that Sbarro, the joint in my local mall, actually had the best pizza New York City could offer?" And the answer, sadly, is yes. Yes it does. You've been told so many tall tales of the big city that you simply failed to understand that perfection was in your grasp all along! You didn't need to travel to the land of hobo urine and street trash piles to get a tasty slice of pie! You could've just gone down to the local collection of indoor shopping options and gotten a slice of the best pizza in the whole wide world.

Image via Flickr user Mike Mozart

Why spend upwards of $75 in the quest for a great piece of pizza when you're in New York? Because you're a fool who has blinded yourself to the truth. That's the true lesson of the New York City Pizza Festival: A fool and his money are soon parted—doubly soon in the Big Apple. So don't be that fool. If you want some pizza, just head over to Mama Sbarro's Italian Eatery. She'll treat you right.