Let's get right to it, shall we?
Winners: Nationalists, Socialists
Nationalism and socialism: two great tastes that go great together! Honestly, I can't see what the issue is in having a populist insurgency driven by anger over perceived national humiliation and economic insecurity. Indeed, if only you could combine these two movements into one uber-political party that could just blitz right through the primaries and the general, then we'd see some real change.
Loser: My Kidneys
Between the debates and the primaries/caucuses thus far, I've drunk ... well, a lot of Early Times. I can't imagine this is healthy. For my own good, I would be grateful if The Establishment would get its act together.
Winner: Early Times/My Wallet
The thing about Early Times "Kentucky Whisky"—not a bourbon, because it isn't aged in new barrels, if I remember correctly—is that it is a perfectly acceptable sipping whiskey. Goes down smooth, not unlike water, or Miller Lite. And the price point is very low! It doesn't even matter that I'll be buying my third handle of the year sometime next week! You could do much worse than this, trust me. It's the perfect drink to drown your sorrows as you realize that things are probably going to get worse before they get better.
Loser: Hillary Clinton
And not just for that terrible outfit she was wearing last night. (What is she, a cult leader?) (Don't answer that.) As I've said before, the one bright spot to all this silliness is the idea that we might see Hillary blow it, yet again. She is just the worst politician that exists.
Winner: Bernie's Diversity
The crowd—not the people on the stage, the people in the crowd—directly behind Bernie during his acceptance speech was almost amusingly diverse: fully one-third African-American, about half-female. They're trying really hard to shake this "Bernie Bro" image that has unfairly attached to the campaign. If Hillary loses her iron grip on the African-American vote in southern states, look out: she'll be in a lot of trouble. And with pledges of support from prominent African-Americans such as Ta-Nehisi Coates, one wonders just how much the Clinton camp is sweating.
Loser: Elderly Feminists
Gloria Steinem and Madeleine Albright are really quite upset that women aren't supporting Hillary because lady-voters and lady-pols both have ovaries (or whatever). Steinem suggested that Bernie's female supporters are just trying to meet dudes while Albright said there's a "special place in hell for women who don't help each other." Lotta young ladies going to hell after last night, apparently: "Women under 45 overwhelmingly picked Bernie Sanders over Hillary Clinton, according to exit polls, with women under 30 backing the Vermont senator by an almost 4-1 margin." That being said, Hillary has the old lady vote locked up: "But women over 65 selected Clinton by nearly a 2-1 margin."
Winner: Campaign Surrogates
Speaking of young women: The two biggest hits on the campaign trail have been Ivanka Trump (campaigning on behalf of her father) and Emily Ratajkowski (hanging out with the Bernie Bros). Once it's down to Trump and Sanders in the general, these two should debate. Think of the ratings!