Kimberly Noel—the lion of the Kardashian chimera—has finalized her divorce, releasing her from California’s state-mandated bondage to Kris Humphries to yet again to wreak havoc upon the world. She’ll be single until she enters labor, then she’ll probably rush through a private "intimate" ceremony to simultaneously wed Kanye West and birth their hellspawn for her reality documentary’s season finale.
The Lion first filed for divorce in October 2011. America has since reelected the Greatest Living President to a fourth term and (depending who you ask) the war with Iraq has concluded. The Kardashian Chimera does not stop. It merely waits.
Humphries put up a foolhardy attempt to keep the scourge contained. The overpaid rebounder originally sought an annulment based on fraud, claiming that their lavish wedding was staged for the Lion’s reality documentary.
Humphries can whine all he wants, but he was a willing participant hypnotized by the same treasures the Lion lures all of her prey with:
Sex and money.
Humphries was a middling role player on unremarkable teams before he was seduced by the Lion’s charms. Once he affiliated himself with the Kardashian horde, Humphries became one of the most well-known players in the league, but for the same reasons Mr. Eva Longoria was for a while. Ray J is deflating the national unemployment rate by himself.
Hump broke rule numero dos in the Game: know the intentions of the person you’re smanging. Men and women make this mistake daily by misreading "friend zones" and one-night stands.
Either Humphries had buyer’s remorse or is an especially dim fellow for actually stumbling into the Kardashian Chimera’s den. You would think a light would have gone off when the Lion forced him to sign away his claim on the $18 million bounty they eventually pulled in from the wedding. I’ll hate on the Lion in every possible which way, but I respect the hell out of her ruthless zeal for reaping millions in marketing and business opportunities by exclusively preying on men whose first names' start with "K."
I’d almost speculate that the Lion targeted Humphries beforehand, knowing he’d been susceptible to fame seekers in the past. Hump’s last serious relationship before his ultimate demise was to the eventual winner of The Bachelor Canada.
Poor Kris Humphries: never the bride, always the dopey bridesmaid.