Fast and Furious Films, Ranked! (New Substandard)

• April 20, 2017 11:13 am


This week, JVL, Vic, and I discussed The Fate of the Furious, the eighth entry in the Fast and/or Furious franchise. Before we get to the important business of the day—ranking Fast and Furious films from worst to best—I feel the need to give Amazon dot com a big ol' shoutout.

For a variety of reasons that I don't need to go into here, I realized I was going to have to tape from home—both the mini-episode that goes up Monday morning and the full-length episode that goes up on Thursdays—and I didn't want to subject you, our loyal listeners, to a substandard Substandard by using the microphone on my headphones. So I decided to splurge and pick up a decent microphone (a Blue Yeti, to be precise) from Best Buy. Unfortunately, this Sunday was Easter: Best Buy was closed. And I knew I wasn't going to have time to run out Monday morning to pick up the mic. So who could I turn to?

Amazon Prime Now, of course.

Within hours I had my sweaty little hands on a brand new fancy microphone, delivered straight to my door. Apparently half of all American households now have Amazon Prime, and my only question is "what is the other half waiting for?" There's no other company on the planet I love quite as much as Amazon and when Jeff Bezos* finally conquers us all and enslaves us on his asteroid mines, I will gladly pay homage to his portrait every night by candlelight.

Anyway, I hope you appreciate the slightly-lower-than-usual-but-much-better-than-it-would-have-been-without-Amazon's-assistance quality of my voice this week. After the podcast, which you can listen to below or subscribe to (and leave a review for!) here (we're also on Google Play; Stitcher and Spotify coming soon, I promise!), make sure to check out and weigh in on my definitive ranking of the Fast and Furious films.

So. You know how I feel about the latest entry in this stupid series, which I have described in the past as "James Bond films for the Ryan Lochte set." But how do I feel about the series as a complete body of work? Let's go to the rankings!

8. (Tie, last) The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Garbage. (0/0 stars)

8. (Tie, last) 2 Fast 2 Furious

Trash. (0/0 stars)

8. (Tie, last) The Fate of the Furious

Awful. (0/0 stars)

8. (Tie, last) The Fast and the Furious

Offal. (0/0 stars)

8. (Tie, last) Fast and Furious

Abominable. (0/0 stars)

8. (Tie, last) Furious 7

Grotesque. (0/0 stars)

8. (Tie, last) Fast and Furious 6

Terrible. (0/0 stars)

8. (Tie, last) Fast Five

Shite. (0/0 stars)

*Full disclosure: I write for the Bezos-owned Washington Post once a week. Basically, I earn enough money from the WaPo to pay for the things I buy on Amazon. It's a good deal for both of us, I think.