Business genius Donald Trump wrote an epic memoir about American greatness and dominating like a champion. Ben Carson also wrote a book about freedom and stuff. We've already examined how Trump's book, Crippled America, compares to Marco Rubio's most recent literary work, so we thought we'd have our analysts determine how it stacks up against Carson's title, A More Perfect Union.
Here's what they found:
LENGTH
Crippled America: 8.63 inches
A More Perfect Union: 8.53 inches
Advantage: Trump
GIRTH
Crippled America: 13.25 inches
A More Perfect Union: 13.38 inches
Advantage: Carson
PAGE COUNT
Crippled America: 193
A More Perfect Union: 240
Advantage: Carson
COVER IMAGE
Crippled America: Crisp, clean, severe, in keeping with the title. Stunning wardrobe, but slouched posture signals weakness and decrepitude. The book’s preface attempts to explain why the cover image "is so angry and so mean looking." But as Trump’s (alleged) idol Ronald Reagan once said: "If you’re explaining, you’re losing."
A More Perfect Union: Charming, contemplative, classically minimalist in presentation. Solid gold title font announces success; large flag pin signals deep love for America. Where is Trump's flag pin?
Advantage: Carson
ENDORSEMENTS
Crippled America: Robert Redford, Mark Cuban, Mike Ditka, among others
A More Perfect Union: N/A
Advantage: Trump
VISUAL AIDS
Crippled America: Impressive 16-page spread comprising photos of Trump’s family of properties and his actual family.
A More Perfect Union: N/A
Advantage: Trump
CHAPTER TITLES
Crippled America:
- Winning Again
- Our "Unbiased" Political Media
- Immigration: Good Walls Make Good Neighbors
- Foreign Policy: Fighting for Peace
- Education: A Failing Grade
- The Energy Debate: A Lot of Hot Air
- Health Care Is Making Us All Sick
- It’s Still the Economy, Stupid
- Nice Guys Can Finish First
- Lucky to Be an American
- The Right to Bear Arms
- Our Infrastructure Is Crumbling
- Values
- A New Game In Town
A More Perfect Union:
- Our Guide to Freedom
- History of the Constitution
- We the People
- In Order to Form a More Perfect Union
- Establish Justice and Ensure Domestic Tranquility
- Provide for the Common Defense
- Promote the General Welfare
- Secure the Blessing of Liberty to Ourselves and Our Prosperity
- Article 1, the Legislative Branch
- Article 2, the Executive Branch
- Article 3, the Judicial Branch
- Articles 4-7
- The Bill of Rights
- Later Amendments
- A Call to Action
Advantage: Toss up (Trump wins on style, Carson on quantity)
OPENING SENTENCE
Crippled America: "America needs to start winning again."
A More Perfect Union: "I have been privileged to travel to more than fifty countries, and each time I return I am more thankful that I was born in America."
Advantage: Trump
CLOSING SENTENCE
Crippled America: "Together we can Make America Great Again."
A More Perfect Union: "The future is in our hands."
Advantage: Trump (Excessive capitalization exudes dominance)
MISCELLANEOUS
Crippled America: Tremendous miscellany, like you wouldn’t believe. Highlights include a 17-page "About The Author" section, complete with a (partial) list of properties, ice rinks, and "corporate aircrafts [sic]" that are "owned and/or developed and managed or licensed" by Trump. The book also includes a copy of the personal financial statement Trump submitted after announcing his run for president in June 2015, along with a note explaining that his net worth has increased "considerably" since then. The author bio on the inside jacket includes the following sentence: "Mr. Trump has more than seven million followers on social media and is passionate about fixing America."
A More Perfect Union: Appendix includes the full text of the U.S. Constitution
Advantage: Toss up
FINAL ASSESSMENT
Crippled America: 5
A More Perfect Union: 3
Carson's slight advantage in the girth department is not enough to overcome comparative deficiencies elsewhere. The case for Crippled America is nearly "crippled," so to speak, by the absence of the American flag on its cover, and by its neglect for the Constitution. However, its superiority in crucial categories such as opening sentence, visual aids, and length makes for a compelling literary advantage, our analysts found.
WINNER: TRUMP
Disclosure: The author is a Trump campaign donor and #1 TRUMP FAN.