America! America!
God shed his grace on Deez
Our once great country is at a crossroads. America's balls are in the air. Fate's mighty sword is rising, soon to strike, but where? The girth of history hangs heavy like a bilious cloud, the gnarled claws of hubris reaching round to squeeze that vile juice. Our barren fields could use the rain, but at what cost? Some look to the sky and wonder: Will we ever be great again? Some are too ashamed to even ask.
There is only one candidate running in 2016 who can give us the answer we crave. I'm talking about Deez Nuts.
America is a mess. Liberals have neutered the Constitution. Tea baggers have defaced the dreams of our Founders. The so-called "serious" field of candidates pander and debase themselves in Iowa, NH, and SC. Rot, um, if that is not too harsh a word, has taken hold. The only winners are the Wall Street banks that wrecked the economy, such as Goldman Sachs and BofA. Deez Nuts can deliver us from the status quo of plunder and taint. He is the candidate of Hope & Change, without the bullshit.
Deez Nuts is the only candidate with a platform that can rally the American people. "I really didn't want to see Clinton, Bush, or Trump in the White House, so I guess I'm just trying to put up a fight," Mr. Nuts explained in an interview with Rolling Stone. And who can honestly reject this rationale? No other candidate has a more compelling reason for running. Donald Trump is a great American, but his skill set is far better suited for a cabinet position such as Secretary of State. Another Bush? You've got to be kidding. Another Clinton? Seriously, Democrats? No, really. Hillary Clinton? You really want her to be the next president? I know, I know, first woman. Calm down. Is making history really worth eight years of Hillary Clinton? Deep down, you know I'm right. Deep down, you're begging for Deez Nuts.
Now, technically, Mr. Nuts isn't eligible to be president, given the fact that he is only 15 years old and entering his sophomore year in high school. But this is actually an argument in favor of his candidacy. If voters are serious about "bringing change to Washington," they can't do that by electing another Ivy League-educated lawyer like Ted Cruz, or a career politician like Bernie Sanders. Nuts is 52 years younger than Hillary Clinton. Think about that. No candidate has a greater stake in America's future than Deez Nuts. And if Congress won't amend the Constitution to allow his candidacy to go forward, who cares. "Deez Nuts" is greater than any one individual, any one "founding document." "Deez Nuts" is an idea. You know what else started out as an idea?
America, that's what.