Diddle: Blackballed Conservative Satirist Highlights Media Corruption, Bias

Sometimes "truth" is a four-letter word.
• July 26, 2018 6:00 pm


Diddle here. I'd like to say a quick hello to all my readers and fans and ex-lovers before attending to the matter at hand. Perhaps you're wondering where I've been and what I've been up to. I don't blame you. The answers to those questions, and many others, will reveal themselves in time.

In recent days, I've been sifting through my overflowing inbox, initially to recover my correspondence with the owner of a "like new" Vanderhall Venice roadster who welshed on our eBay agreement after I insisted upon making half the $20,000 payment in bullion. (His loss!) The matter is still pending, but in the process I stumbled upon a letter from an intriguing young man by the name of Zane Jokowitz, and I thought his story — about the vile perversions and left-wing fever dreams of the Fake News Media —was worth sharing on this blog, especially in light of the recent controversy surrounding "conservative satire."

Dear Public Editor Diddle,

My name is Zane E. Jokowitz. I am a recent university graduate and proud member of Turning Point USA. My interests include politics, social media, and owning the libs. My passion is journalism, with an emphasis on biting satirical commentary. Notable retweeters of my political commentary include Charlie Kirk, Lou Dobbs, and Bill Mitchell, so I believe I know a thing or two about "engaging the conversation." I am proud to be blocked by some of the most virulent libs on Twitter, such as Matty Glesias, Jeff Flake, and Lachlan Markay.

I am writing because despite my best endeavors to obtain a publisher for my signature column — "Satire from the Jokowitz Dossier" — I remain without a platform from which to launch my withering barbs. Practically every "mainstream" media outlet I have approached — the New York Times, the Washington Post, Atlantic MonthlyVox, the Huffington, Gateway Pundit, and the New Yorker, to name a few — has rejected my pitch without so much as an explanation. I believe I am being blackballed by the "journalism industrial complex" due to the conservative slant of my material, and thought that you, as a foremost public intellectual and connoisseur of media corruption, should be informed of this injustice.

I have included some samples of my work below for your consideration. As I'm sure you'll agree, lack of quality is not the issue here.

  • Hillary Clinton to Join MS-13 Board of Directors
  • Bernie Sanders Calls for Construction of Border Wall Around 3rd Vacation Home (Funny because of socialism)
  • CNN's Jim Acosta Forcibly Removed from Plane After Demanding to Know Pilot’s Position on Roe v. Wade (Would "emoluments clause" be funnier?)
  • In Paid Speech, Hillary Clinton Calls for "National Unity," Urges Americans to "Oh, I Don’t Know, Invent a F*cking Time Machine, Go Back to 2016 and Elect Me President Like I Deserve You Ungrateful C*ck*uckers" (LOL!)
  • Bill Clinton to Co-Author New 50 Shades Novel, "Stiff Decisions" (Wordplay on "Hard Choices")
  • Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to Raise Money by Selling "Capitalism Sucks" Berets on Campaign Website (More fun with socialism)
  • DOJ Reports Surge in Unaccompanied Minors Outside Bill Clinton’s Hotel Room (More Clinton wordplay)
  • Canadian PM Justin Trudeau Vows to Pee Sitting Down "Until the Gender Pay Gap is Closed" (One of my faves)
  • Soccer Players to Protest Trump by Making Games Unbearably Slow-Paced, Unwatchable (Funny because it's true)
  • California Democrats Propose "If It's Brown, Leave It ‘Round" Ordinance to Save Water in Public Restrooms (Alternative suggestion: "If it's fudge, don't budge")
Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my letter. Please do not share the contents with anyone, as I fear its publication could greatly impair my demonstrated ability to score with smokeshow libs on Tinder. Any advice you might have would be greatly appreciated.
Yours in freedom's flame,
Zane Euphoria Jokowitz

Well, there you have it, folks. The media is corrupt, biased, and beyond repair. But you already knew that. Zane, if you're out there, I'd advise you to never contact me again.

P.S. Many of you have reached out to ask if I approve of the Washington Free Beacon succumbing to the moral and cultural depravity of our time by launching a so-called "podcast." I do not.

Diddle out.

Published under: Parody, Satire