My fellow Americans:
It's that time of year again when families come together to give thanks and own our lib relatives in drunken arguments about politics. In 2018, we have a lot to be thankful for: Donald Trump is president, the economy is booming, ISIS is defeated, North Korea is no longer a nuclear threat, and the Eagles are on tour. "Last Man Standing" is back on the air!
Perhaps that's why I've been in such a conciliatory mood of late. You see, I typically look forward to Thanksgiving gatherings because it gives me a chance to deploy the arsenal of intellectual firepower I have honed and wielded with considerable force in online comments sections. My nephew, Brayden, is a feckless millennial, raised on a ruinous "cerebral" diet of Noam Chomsky, Howard Zinn, and Rachel Maddow. His feeble mind steeped in the noxious cauldron of "elite higher education." His frail body molded by his generation's supine deference to beta culture, and the dainty fashion standards of the hipster derelíct. Naturally, I revel at the opportunity to own his scrawny left-wing ass with punishing truth bombs that make Fat Man and Little Boy look like farts in the wind.
This year is going to be different. After months of negotiating — from a position of strength — I have agreed to an intellectual ceasefire of sorts. Brayden and I recently signed and notarized a treaty outlining the terms of our engagement at this year's Thanksgiving celebration. We are tentatively calling it "The Great Thanksgiving Accord of 2018," and I am honored to present to you some curated excerpts from this groundbreaking document. Enjoy!
- Strickland "Shiv" Crawford, hereinafter referred to as PARTY A, and Brayden Crawford-Micklethwait, hereinafter referred to as PARTY B, agree to consume a Thanksgiving turkey that is organic in origin, but NOT free range. Half the bird shall be deep fried, the other half drizzled with Andalusian avocado essence.
- PARTY A agrees to refrain from wearing a hunting and/or tactical vest at the dinner table, on the condition that PARTY B "takes care of the neck beard situation," and keeps his "Male Feminist" tattoo covered at all times.
- Parties stipulate that only American wine shall be served.
- PARTY B may consume "IPA" style beverages, provided he agrees to "shut the hell up about how goddamn hoppy it is."
- PARTY A agrees to refrain from inquiring about the total cost of PARTY B's education, including a recently awarded master's degree in alternative environmentalist literature from Fordham University, on the condition that PARTY B refrains from defiling PARTY A's 24K gold "TruckNutz" vehicle accessory with anti-Trump graffiti.
- Parties agree that failed Senate candidate Robert Francis "Beto" O'Rourke shall be referred to as "Bob O'Rourke." Additionally, Senator Marco Rubio shall be referred to as "El Cucko Grande."
- Parties stipulate that the Soviet Union was a "disaster in practice," and agree not to elaborate further.
- Parties stipulate that "climate" is "subject to change," and agree not to elaborate further.
- Parties agree to allow constructive criticism of U.S. military involvement in Vietnam during dinner conversation, on the condition that the conflict is always referred to as "That Lyin' Son of a Bitch Lyndon B. Johnson's Failed War in Vietnam."
- Parties stipulate that "Their Greatest Hits 1971-1975" by the Eagles is the top-selling album of all time.
- Parties agree that all verbal imitations of gun shots shall be of the "pew pew" variety, regardless of context.
- Parties stipulate that Hillary R. Clinton is a corrupt monstrosity, a dishonest hack of the highest order, whose personal ambition and zeal for power are unmatched in American history. She is, in all likelihood, the least talented politician to ever run for public office.
- Parties agree to watch at least one National Football League game, on the condition that PARTY B is allowed to kneel during the broadcast.
- Parties stipulate that dogs are better than cats.
- Parties stipulate that CNN White House correspondent Jim Acosta is a "preening showboat" who is nevertheless "most likely" protected by the First Amendment.