It's Diddle time, folks. I've got an hour to kill before my spoken word jazz exhibition at the Soul Society here in Belgrade, so I figured I'd bang out some (contractually mandated) responses to the feedback I've received from fans of the Free Beacon podcast, "Right and Righter."
Before I jiggle the old mailsack, allow me to offer some feedback of my own. Having forcibly imbibed the two most recent episodes of "Right and Righter" during a twilight stroll through Skadarlija, I am prepared to render the following judgement: The American Experiment has failed.
In 1974, a deplorable media-driven Witch Hunt culminated in the resignation of the honorable Richard M. Nixon. The United States has charted a course of irreversible moral and cultural decline ever since. Case in point: There was a time when "dropping napalm" actually meant something. Now it's just a catchphrase casually deployed by nerds to describe a "hot take" or "sick burn" on social media. I miss the good old days.
The success of the podcast medium is but another marker on our road to ruin. Some sideburn-wearing Silicon Valley wunderkind accidentally invents "the radio," and an entire industry is born. Elon Musk wants to take humanity to Mars, but here on Earth, we don't look our next door neighbors in the eye anymore, or even flirt with their wives. The Free Beacon, a publication ostensibly dedicated to "combat journalism," has folded like a French brigade, embracing decline like an incel clutching his sex doll after a long day playing Fortnite in Meemaw's basement.
Lack of dignity aside, "Right and Righter" is an egregiously misnamed abomination. The most recent episode, "Trump Meets the Press, the End of Snow Days, and Bigfoot Erotica," opens with a trigger warning. Free Beacon editor Matthew Continetti boasts of "reading The Nation this morning." Aaron Harison, supposedly the severe-ist conservative of the bunch, speaks glowingly of the failing New York Times, having already gushed over the "political gifts" of B.H. Obama in a previous episode. At one point, an intern was dragged in to portray the "Sonny Bunch" character during a tedious row over the merits of bubble gum ice cream. The "Bachelorette" commentary from host Liz Harrington and "culture correspondent" Natalie Johnson was decent, if a tad reductive.
Now it's time to answer a few of your questions.
Mallory from Flagstaff, Ariz., writes:
Hey Biff — I was disappointed by the large number of so-called "science" items in Episode 46, "GDP Spikes, Press Sticks Together, and Cohen Turns Rat." Water on Mars? Big whoop. Get back to me when the Space Force finds some oil fields to seize. That said, I did enjoy the crew's discussion of first memories. What is your first memory?
Chasing a balloon through the ruins of Dortmund, West Germany, I happened upon some unexploded ordnance — a beautiful AN-M56 (4,000 pounder) if I recall correctly, probably from a B-29. When I got a little closer, I could see that someone had carefully painted on the words, "Let Freedom Rain." And even though I was too young to appreciate the pun, I can honestly say I've never felt more proud to be an American. -BD
Strickland from Waxhaw, N.C., writes:
If I want to use my 3D printer to make replicas of Bigfoot's [expletive deleted], and fire them out of a rocket launcher at a burning effigy of George Soros, that's my right as an American!
Not much of a question there, but I couldn't agree more. -BD
Hampus from Staffanstorp, Sweden, writes:
Dear Public Editor Diddle,
I am 12 years old and live in Staffanstorp, Sweden, with my mother, Lykke Holmberg. She met you once, years ago, at a Nudie Jeans launch party in Gothenburg, and speaks of you often. She tells me I remind her of you, and this makes me proud. You are probably my one of, if not the, favorite public intellectual of the modern age. When I grow up, I plan to be either a) a public editor, b) a pundit, c) a mercenary. Thank you very much for the important work you do every day to advance freedom and own the libs.
Sincerely,
Hampus Holmberg,
P.S. Ever wish you could pee sitting down without being judged?
No. -BD
Ekaterina from Budva, Montenegro, writes:
My dearest Biffy,
Every morning I am waking with hope, and becoming sad to feel there is cold where you once lie next to me. I have missing you many times after say goodbye. Sometimes I am dream, maybe you think about your Katya, and the large nights of no sleeping, make love, you speak me poem in Russian language. I am always remember, never forget. But now I am thinking if, are you come back to me? I would very happily to see you again.
твой зайчик,
Katya
I don't know, just tell her I'm spearfishing on Mykonos. Make something up! -BD [Dictated but not read]